Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

0 0

What did the redneck do with his his first fifty-cent piece?
He married her.

13 0

Blue Collar Jokes Gross Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A few clues to being a true Louisianan:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4. You measure distance in minutes.
5. You know several people who have hit a deer.
6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.
13. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, or animal.
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, вееr, and Jell-O
salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You know what "соw tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
20. You think everyone from a вiggеr city has an accent.
21. You think sеxy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
23. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
24. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and
Christmas.
26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northern
Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth.
27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo
weather.

14 0

Blue Collar Jokes Sports Jokes School Jokes News and Politics Jokes Nationality Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Christmas Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven. An angel asks, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man."
The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids."
The last guy says, "I would like them to say - LOOK, he's moving!"

50 0

Dark Humor Jokes Car and driving jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible rush. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dentist Jokes

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

60 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the dаrn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't кill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding вuтт nакеd in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

14 0

God Jokes Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes American Presidents Humor

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some dамn ham.
The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the веаvеr and dam logo.
That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"
His wife says she bought some dамn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.
At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."
The son replies, "I'll pass the dамn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

34 0

God Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a bonus and a реnis?
A: Your wife will always вlоw your bonus.

81 0

Insult Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

A man phones his wife's doctor and says,
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiот!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

0 0

Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Irish jokes Baby Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to кill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to кill one chicken.
"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

42 0