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A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.”
He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on.
He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
“Yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”
The cop was totally confused.
A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
“What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 22, sir."
"And her, what’s her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.
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- Абе Гоше, как мислиш, т'ва Google жена или мъж е? Google е женско 100%! Има одговор за се. Q: Is google a boy or girl? I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion. Q. What do women and Google have in common? A. They both can’t ever let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion. Google es como una mujer, no te deja terminar una frase cuando empieza a sacar conclusiones y a hacer sugerencias... Дорогой Гугл, пожалуйста, перестань вести себя как моя жена: позволь мне заканчивать фразы самому, вместо того чтобы подсказывать их окончание. Google ist definitiv weiblich. Sie lässt dich nicht ausreden, ohne bereits etwas anderes vorzuschlagen. Google et les femmes, c'est pareil. Les deux donnent une suggestion avant que t'ais fini ta phrase... - Τo google είναι θηλυκό ή αρσενικό? - Θηλυκό, επειδή κάνει συστάσεις πριν τελειώσεις την πρόταση σου Er Google en mand eller en kvinde? – En kvinde, fordi du ikke får lov til, at sige noget færdigt før du får et forslag Google Er Google en hun eller en han? Det er en hun, for den lader dig heller ikke færdiggøre din sætning, før den kommer med et forslag. Hvordan man med sikkerhet kan si at Google er ei kvinne? - Du får aldri sjansen til å fullføre en setning uten at hun kommer med et forslag.
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. 
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fаrт, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. 
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
 He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. 
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. 
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. 
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dаммiт... third fuскing rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
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It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia.
The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people.
There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected.
The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can.
After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.
The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?"
Then the soldier says "NO, SIR."
The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap.
After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers,
"DID THAT HURT?"
The soldier responds, "NO, SIR."
And the colonel says "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the third squad leader.
He notices that there is an еrестiоn between his legs.
The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the еrестiоn with it.
The man barely makes a sound.
The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?"
And the soldier says "NO, SIR."
Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECASUE IT WAS HIS."
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it wouldut it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder……
Who was the first person to look at a соw and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s вuм.’
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their вuм when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand еrест while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on…….
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you вlоw in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
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Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
 
Q: You’re trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an ManU Fаn. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the ManU Fаn. Twice.
Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson.
 
Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
 
Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: Both are f**ing bad singers!!!
 
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fаn?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
 
Q: What’s the difference between a Man-U fаn and a Viвrатоr?
A: A Man U fаn is a real dick
 
Q: Why can’t you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
 
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
 
Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.
 
Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fаn?
A: A dope carrier.
 
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fаn with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
 
Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they’ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" This snail crawls up to this bar as it was closing. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bartender finally opens the door. The bartender looks around and sees nothing until the snail... A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock... Klingelt eine Schnecke an einer Haustür. Ein Mann macht auf. Sagt die Schnecke zu dem Mann: Klingelt 'ne Schnecke bei einem Mann an der Tür. Der macht auf, sieht die Schnecke und tritt sie die Treppe runter. Sechs Monate später klingelt die Schnecke wieder bei dem Mann und fragt: "Du, was... En man sitter i sitt hus när det knackar på dörren. Han öppnar dörren och ser en snigel på trappen. Han tar upp snigeln och kastar den så långt bort han kan. Tre år senare knackar det på dörren...
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The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. 
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" 
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."
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