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A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!"
"So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!"
"So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"
Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, "Check out my new cellphone; it's a watch!" The white guy and Asian say, "Very cool, dude." The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away nакеd to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still nакеd with paper hanging out of his вuтт сrаск. The Mexican and white guy say, "Hey, you have something hanging out of your аss." The Asian guy says, "Oh look, I'm receiving a Fax!"
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property - Stay Out!'”
The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?”
The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.”
The golfer looks at the man and says, “I understand.”
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, “What is that for?”
The golfer replies, “I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every рriск should have two ваlls.”
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s вuтт.
The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hеll is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are рissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s вuтт, it could just about sh1t on you.’
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no … Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.’
‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese man,’He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get рiss drunк, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.’
One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their earthly possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were traveling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossacks. They braced themselves expecting the worst. Inevitably, the Cossacks ride up to the wagon and begin harassing the old man and his daughter. Eventually, the Cossacks knock the old man and his daughter off the cart and ride off with the Donkey and Wagon.
The old man sits on the side of the road and begins sobbing…
Daughter asks, “Papa, papa, what’s the matter?”
To which the old man responds,”Don’t you see? They’ve taken everything we had!”
“Not everything…”, The daughter responds, to which she takes out a small rolled up cloth, which she unrolls to reveal some jewelry and gems.
The old man’s eyes widen, “How did you manage to hide that?”
She answered, “When I saw them further up the road, I took them, rolled them up in this cloth and hid them in my - uh - hoo-ha.”
To which the old man starts crying hysterically…
“Papa, what’s wrong now?”
“Oh if only your sainted mother were still alive…we could have saved the whole wagon!”
There was a man who had a pool installed. It was a very elaborate pool with tiles imported from Russia. One day, he walked out to his wonderful pool to find it covered with algae. He quickly called the fellow who had installed the pool and asked him what he should do. "It's obvious," said the pool man, "you need to get a couple of porpoises."
"Porpoises?" inquired the man. "Yes, the porpoises will eat the algae, and you'll be the only person on your block to have porpoises." So the man bought two porpoises, and they ate the algae and gave the man someone to swim with, that is, until the porpoises got extremely sick. The man immediately called his friend, who was a marine biologist. "You know," said the friend, "if you feed porpoises seagulls, they will liven forever." So, the man drove to a pet store that specialized in exotic pets and bought two sacks full of seagulls. On his way home, a disturbing message screeched from the car radio. The announcer said that the lion had escaped from the state zoo, but no one should worry because the lion was quite old and had lost all of his teeth. The man breathed a sigh of relief. When he got home, oddly enough, the lion was sleeping on his front porch. The man decided he'd call the police later about the lion and, seagulls in hand, stepped over the lion. Then, the police drove up and arrested the man. Why? For transporting gulls over the state lion for immortal porpoises.