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The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” ….
“What is it, child?” ….
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”
A Shark alarm at Sydneys Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water except for three young boys who didn't hear the siren.
Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety.
He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece.
The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle.
As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, That was the most heroic thing
I've ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrows newspaper: Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!
Thanks. Smiles the fella, but I'm not an Aussie. I'm a British backpacker.
No worries, said the journalist with a frown, it'll still be front-page news.
The next day, the newspapers headline screamed, Pommy ваsтаrd kills boy's pet fish!
THIS PRETTY MUCH DEFINES All OF MY FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK
1) The “Rooster” - Feels that it is his/her job to tell Facebook “Good Morning” every day.
2) The “Lurker” - never likes or comments on my post, but reads everything, and might make reference to my status if they…see me in public.
3) The “Hyena” - Doesn’t ever really say anything,just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) “Mr/Ms Popular” - Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.
5) The “Gamer” - Plays FarmVille, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY. (My wife)
6) The “Cynic” - Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The “Collector” - Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes a fаn of the most random stuff.
8) The “Promoter” - Always sends event invitations to things that I ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The “Liker” - Never actually says anything, but always clicks the “like” button.
10) “Drama Queen/ King” - This person always posts stuff like “I can’t believe this!”, or “They gonna make me snap today!”, in the hope that I will ask what happened, or what’s wrong…but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The “News” - Always updates me on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly….
12) The “Thief” - Steals my status updates… and will probably steal this one.. ….Which one are you??
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that dамn gun..."
Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead.
She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education isdeveloping! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says."I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home."So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "
Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of theyear, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shootsthe dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited."Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed,"I hope you shot that son of a вiтсh before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!"
Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"