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In the USA, the southern states have their rednecks; New York, (where Раddy and Seamus immigrated from Ireland,) and Minnesota, to the north, with three or four dim bulbs called Ollie, Lena and Sven who must have migrated from the Scandanavian countries. …
…
Ollie answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.
“Vell, Ollie! Vat in da vorld is da matter?” asks the sympathetic Lena.
“I yust had bad news, Lena,” Ollie replied, “My fadder yust died!!”
Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.
“Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?” asked Lena.
“Dat vas my brudder.” said Ole. “His fadder yust died too!”
A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."
"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.
"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.
After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.
Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."
"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.
"Not 'til next year."
"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"
"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."
The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.
A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"
Once upon a time, two good ole boys, Curtis & Leroy, saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.
The Doctor said:
"The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hеll of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hеll of a headache."
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Fсuк! you see what I mean? There’s always that fсuкing doubt.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shiт.”
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar.” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”