Relationship Jokes

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Скъпа, какво би направила, ако спечеля от тотото? Мажот што добил на лото Der Ehemann zu seiner Frau: Ein Mann fragt seine Frau: Мъж попитал жена си: - Скъпа, какво би направила, ако спечеля от лотарията? Жена му отговорила: - Ще взема половината пари и ще ти бия шута. А той: - Току що спечелих 12 лева. Взимай 6 и да те няма от тук! O marido diz pra esposa: — O que você faria se eu ganhasse na loteria? Ela responde: — Eu pego a minha metade e deixo você, seu besta! — Excelente — responde ele —, ganhei 12 reais na raspadinha,... Marido chega para a esposa e pergunta: - Querida, seja sincera... O que você faria se eu ganhasse na loteria? E a esposa respondeu: - Eu pegaria metade da grana e cairia fora. Ai o marido pegou o... Чоловік запитує дружину: - Що б ти зробила, якби я виграв у лотерею? - Нарешті розлучилася б з тобою, алкашем, і забрала б половину! - Чудово. Я сьогодні виграв дві тисячі гривень. Забирай свою... Een man tegen zijn vrouw: “Lieverd... Wat zou jij doen als we de lotto winnen?” Waarop zijn vrouw zegt: “Ik zou de helft pakken en van je scheiden.” “Oké is goed,” zegt de man “we hebben 12 euro... Mąż do żony: - Co byś zrobiła, gdybym powiedział, że wygrałem w totka? - Zabrałabym połowę kasy i odeszła od Ciebie. - To masz 8,50 i spadaj! Férj kérdezi a feleségét: - Mit csinálnál, ha nyernék a lottón? - Hülyéskedsz? Elválnék, itt hagynálak, és vinném a pénz felét. - Oké. Itt van 600 Ft, húzz a fenébe! Kettesem volt! Un homme revient du travail et dit à sa femme : - Dis, qu'est-ce que tu ferais si je gagnait à la loto ? - Je prendrais la moitié et partirais ! - Bah, j'ai gagné 3 euros. Prend-en 1.50 et va-t'en ! Mannen till sin fru: - Vad skulle du göra om jag vann på lotto? Frun: - Ta hälften och lämna dej. Mannen: - Bra, jag vann 12 kr, här är 6 kr. Rör på bena... - Drágám,mit tennél, ha nyernék a lottón??????? - Elválnék és vinném a pénz felét. - Volt egy kettesem a lottón,itt van 200 forint és húzz a p.... Ba
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I’m feeling a bit down. I have been for a while now. I have no family and very few, if any friends and admittedly have never been good at relationships (no one has ever stayed in my life long enough I suppose to show me how. ) So, as an adult, I feel like I fail at friendship. I can’t make or seem to keep a friend and especially more than one. No one ever thinks to invite me to go anywhere or do anything. I had no parents growing up, I was abused, both physically and verbally the majority of my life. At this point I have begged, yes begged people to be in my life. I feel like I’m the problem. I’m so lonely for friends that I’ve threatened to move and start over but realistically that’s impossible. I know you have to be a friend to have a friend but no one (locally) seems to want to fill that void. I’m tired of begging and I’ve felt like the plague for the last few years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy about my situation that I could and have cried. I can’t have children so I can’t have my very own family. I feel like my entire life is missing because I lack many of life’s greatest blessings. What do you suggest? Signed, feeling blue……………. answer I think you should join the Police
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Q: Is google a boy or girl? - Абе Гоше, как мислиш, т'ва Google жена или мъж е? I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion. Дорогой Гугл, пожалуйста, перестань вести себя как моя жена: позволь мне заканчивать фразы самому, вместо того чтобы подсказывать их окончание. Google et les femmes, c'est pareil. Les deux donnent une suggestion avant que t'ais fini ta phrase... Google es como una mujer, no te deja terminar una frase cuando empieza a sacar conclusiones y a hacer sugerencias... Google ist definitiv weiblich. Sie lässt dich nicht ausreden, ohne bereits etwas anderes vorzuschlagen. Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. Er Google en mand eller en kvinde? – En kvinde, fordi du ikke får lov til, at sige noget færdigt før du får et forslag Google Er Google en hun eller en han? Det er en hun, for den lader dig heller ikke færdiggøre din sætning, før den kommer med et forslag. Hvordan man med sikkerhet kan si at Google er ei kvinne? - Du får aldri sjansen til å fullføre en setning uten at hun kommer med et forslag. Google е женско 100%! Има одговор за се. - Τo google είναι θηλυκό ή αρσενικό? - Θηλυκό, επειδή κάνει συστάσεις πριν τελειώσεις την πρόταση σου
Relationship Jokes Jokes about Women
A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sеx life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife оrgаsм.
One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.
He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn’t worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn’t like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male еsсоrт agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn’t worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the еsсоrт. The man was at his wit’s end so gave it one last try.
That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the еsсоrт arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the еsсоrт got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the еsсоrт’s ear, “You see mate, that’s how you wave a fсuкing towel!”
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,

Mom
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A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirтy rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirтy rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.
I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor. “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”
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Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sеx though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sеx whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets nакеd and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sеx with her. The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets nакеd, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily. Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an аsshоlе!"
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