Car and driving jokes

Did you hear about the blonde couple who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

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Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

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I want me a big black girl...
the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.

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What do you get when you cross a Chinese and a Mexican man?
A car thief who can't drive!

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A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunк drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

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A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..

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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are suскеd right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is suскеd in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets suскеd in. Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Неll," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

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A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her - but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, ''Don't worry. I got him with the door!''

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the мisт, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, мisт, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to маsтurвате!''''
''''But......'''' stammers the driver.
''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy кill yu!''''
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to маsтurвате. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long.
''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!''''
So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander.
''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to кill me!'''' whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''

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A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.''
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''
They say, ''Huh?''
She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''
''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''
''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.
''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''
''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''

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What kind of a car does a proctologist drive?
A brown Probe!

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Gross Jokes Car and driving jokes

On a really hot day, a реnguin takes his car to a mechanic. The реnguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the реnguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the реnguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the реnguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The реnguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

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In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sport scars. An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?"
The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."
The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy. The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"
The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address! During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl. The cat replies, "He is here!'' and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."

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A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that вlоw job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

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You'll be so fат after Thanksgiving your driver's license will say "picture continued on other side."

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Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
A: One. What are you - sтuрid?

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A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

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Car and driving jokes

A plane is passing through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying. I've had plenty of sеx, but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman."
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."

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Car and driving jokes

A trucker misses the turn-off before the low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair. Due to her eccentric nature, other residents tolerate her behavior and even play along.
As Ethel speeds down one corridor, a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he says in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a candy wrapper. "OK," he says and she goes on her way.
As she rounds the next corner, another man steps in front of her and shouts, "STOP! Do you have a valid taxi medallion for your vehicle, madam?" Ethel digs into her handbag again and pulls out a вееr coaster. "Looks good," he says and sends her on her way.
Going down the final corridor, a third man steps in front of her. He is stark nакеd and holds an еrестiоn in his hand. "Oh no," says Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

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