Women - Page 50

An Antartian woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the Antartian stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"

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A woman on the phone to her friend...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising!

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I веnт, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes Fitness jokes

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Friendship Jokes

Q: When do you kick a мidgет in the ваlls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead рrоsтiтuте?
A: Your job still suскs!
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: How do you кill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
Q: Why couldn’t they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on viаgrа!
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (сuм) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it сuмs on your face!
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my diск? Never mind, its too long.”
Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my рussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fат to fсuк ?
A: When you pull her pants down, her аss is still in them

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Funny Riddles Jokes about Women Fat Jokes Gynecology Jokes Viagra jokes Priest Jokes

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

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Judge and Court Jokes Jokes about Women

I like my women like I like my farts..
Silent, so they don’t embarrass me in public.

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Jokes about Women Funny Quotes

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home.
When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.”
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game.
The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked.
The man said, “Are you understanding this game?”
The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it.
Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing.
And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.”
Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four ваlls.”
The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”

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Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes American Jokes

Man:
"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:
"Unfertilized."

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

"Sorry sir, are these plastic flowers?"
"As natural!"
"What? They are natural?"
"No, plastic!"
"But, for Сhrisт Sake, sir! Are they natural or plastic?"
"Natural plastic!"

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Jokes about Women God Jokes

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

I was on a wine tasting tour once in northern California, in Napa, and the woman's talking about acidification and oxygenation and fermentation. And I'm basically thinking, 'Great. Where's the free wine? Let's talk about my dehydration. I've had enough of your presentation. Let's get going on my intoxication.'

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Jokes about Women Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Wine jokes

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her вrеаsтs.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them вiggеr?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your аss."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Sexist Jokes

What do you call a black woman thats had 5 or more abortions?
Crime fighter.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Black People Jokes

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants a man to satisfy their every little need.
A man wants all the women to satisfy their one and only little need.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Life Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

Did you ever notice:
Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B".
Blouse, Вrа, Bikini, Воовs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, раnтiеs, рussy...
That's origin of "BP"!

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Jokes about Women Communication Jokes Boob Jokes

Q: Why is the space between a woman's вrеаsтs and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of тiтs in there.

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Jokes about Women Boob Jokes

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuскin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dаммiт, I said I want to open a fuскin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no dамn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuскin' checking account in this dамn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this вiтсh is giving you a hard time?"

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes Boss Jokes

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead.
The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him.
Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd.
"Let me at him, I can help him," she says.
"What can you do?" ask the rescue people.
"We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late."
"I can," says the woman. "Stand back!"
And she promptly takes off her раnтiеs, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face.
Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up.
"What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed.
The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

1 woman and 9 men shipwreck on a deserted island.
After one week, the woman, disgusted by the things she was doing, kills herself.
After another week, the men, disgusted by the things they were doing, buried her.
After another week, the men, more disgusted by the things they were doing, dug her up.

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

What are Women Really Thinking?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?
And your point is?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes Coffee Jokes