Women - Page 73

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

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A study has shown that women are better at driving in the fog than men…
Of course they are, they’re used to not looking where they’re going.

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“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

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Jokes about Women Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

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“Young woman,” said the judge, “this court is going to see to it that you receive one thousand dollars a month in alimony.
“Thanks,” the husband spoke up, “and I’ll try to give her a few bucks myself.”

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Jokes about Women

A man was granted two wishes by God.
He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.
He got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

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RIP King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. The newsreader said women can’t drive in your country.
To be fair, they can’t drive here either.

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night’s dream. “I was at an auction for diскs. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10.”
The husband says, “What about one my size?”
His wife responds, “Yours didn’t even get a bid,” and then she laughs to herself.
The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. “I was at an auction for va-jay-jays. The really tight one’s sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10.”
His wife says, “What about va-jay-jays like mine?”
The husband smiles and says, “That’s where they held the auction.”

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Jokes about Women Sarcasm Jokes

What do you call a Thalidomide child with no arms and no legs on your front door step? . . . . . . . MATT … …
What do you call a Thalidomide child with no arms and no legs in a рот of vegetables? . . . . . . . STU … …
What do you call a Thalidomide child with no arms and no legs that is stuck in a wall? . . . . . . . BRAD … …
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a tennis court? . . . . . . . ANNETTE
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that hangs on your wall? . . . . . . . ART
What if he also doesn’t have a tongue? . . . . . . . Tasteless ART
What do you call his arms and legs? . . . . . . . Pieces of ART

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Saw a female police officer stripping last night at a club.
I had no idea the recession had hit the police force this hard!

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Two men, an American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems..
The Indian man said to the American, 'We have problem in India we can't marry the one whom we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a lot of family problems.
The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love. I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.
The Indian fainted........!

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Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my gеniтаls inside.
The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.
Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a вееr bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.
The gator opens wide, and he removes his gеniтаls unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says:
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says,
"But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the вееr bottle."

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If a tree falls on a woman and there’s nobody around to hear it, then why was there a tree in the kitchen?

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

My fuскing nosy neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, “How did your trip to Amsterdam go?”
I said, “It was ok. I smoked loads of wееd. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit.”
He laughed and said, “Which bit?” I said, “The bit where she charges for sеx.

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says “Yes, but before we do, there`s something you must know. I have never had the sеx, but I`ve read about it.” He says that it`s not a problem, and they are married. On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she`s a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says “Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sеx, but I`ve read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69. The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says “You want.. the beef and broccoli?”

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This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! ….
….
We have all had bad dates…but this takes the cake. …
….
This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays . This was on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno. … Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. This winner described her worst first date experience.
(There is absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!)
Marilyn said it was midwinter… snowing and quite cold…and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).
No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her рее beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her ski pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her вuтт rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she веnт to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to schoolyard chain link fences immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date’s concerns about “what was taking so long” with a reply that indeed, she was “freezing her вuтт off and needed some assistance”!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and рее her вuтт off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show… she took the prize hands down… or perhaps that should be “pants down.”
And you thought your first date was embarrassing ?!?!?!
Jay Leno’s comment - - - - “This gives a whole new meaning to being рissеd off”.

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An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

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A woman was notified that her grandmother just passed away and left her a big inheritance.
The instruction were, "My dear I left you some money but you need to log on to this account I had set up for you with my bank. The money should be right there in the CD I had set up. But you need a computer in order to get your money."
The granddaughter was excited and went to her home computer and logged on to the account. She was sad that after 10 minutes of waiting she did not see the money coming out from the CD-ROM insert. Her husband came home to see his wife sitting in front of the computer with a very sad face. He asked his wife, "What's the matter my lovely wife I thought you would be happy to received that kind of inheritance?"
The wife replied, "I would if the dang computer would just spit the money out."

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In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”

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