Jokes about Women

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Talking Sex Talk Dirty to Me Όταν ένας άντρας λέει χυδαιότητες σε μία γυναίκα είναι διεστραμμένος. Όταν μια γυναίκα λέει χυδαιότητες σε έναν άντρα είναι 3,95€ το λεπτό. Kiedy mężczyzna mówi do kobiety świństewka to jest to molestowanie seksualne. Kiedy kobieta mówi świństewka do mężczyzny, to kosztuje to 4,20zl/min. + VAT! Ако мажот и кажува на жената прљави cekcи работи, тоа е сексуално вознемирување, А ако жената кажува такви работи, тогаш тоа е 120 денари минута + ДДВ .
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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.
As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunк gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sеx with her. However, she really does not want to be with this guy as he is so blackout drunк and she is on her period. She just wants to enjoy the night out.
As the night continues, she also starts to get a little tipsy and finally decides to go home with this guy. “He is so drunк, he won’t notice that I am on my period.” she thought to herself.
As they arrive at the guy’s apartment they immediately “get down to business”. As soon as they are finished the guy falls asleep and starts to snore loudly. The woman, feeling a little bit of shame, decides to leave his apartment and goes back home.
The next morning the guy wakes up in his bed. He tries to remember what happened the night before. He vaguely remembers picking up a chick and brining her home with him. “Alright!” he thinks and looks to the other side of the bed. The woman was not there anymore. However, he suddenly notices that the whole bed is covered in blood.
He jumps up from the bed in horror. “Oh my god…. Oh my god…. Did I кill this poor women while I was blackout drunк?”. He starts to panic and paces around like a madman in his apartment. “How did I кill her? Where is the body?”
He runs into the kitchen to check his knifes and cleavers. All of them were clean. “ So I did not stab her or chop her up…” he thought to himself.
Then he runs to his gun cabinet to see if he used any of the guns and ammo. “I also did not shoot her…” he said to himself.
Panic rising more and more in his chest, he also looks into his toolbox to see If he might have used one of his hammers to кill her. “No, none of my tools were used” he whispered.
Desperate on finding out how he killed this poor woman he slouched into the bathroom to freshen up a little. He lifts his head to look at himself in the mirror. Then he says:
“Shiт, I ate her.”
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Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. …
…
Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!"
"I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
"I would have gotten out today!"
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, веnт over nакеd, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
‘For the love of god woman, don’t you ever stop?!’
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