Work Jokes, Office Jokes

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sеx for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sеx drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viаgrа?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viаgrа into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sеx that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

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Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

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This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.
It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Fart Jokes

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Computer Jokes Phone jokes Boss Jokes

An old man lived alone in Tasmania.
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Jase,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year; I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.
At 4A. M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Jase.

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them."
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Dog jokes

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold вееr, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a вееr to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No," replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

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Office and Work Jokes Coffee Jokes

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.
All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and вrа, she takes them off.
The doctor begins rubbing her вrеаsтs and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her раnтiеs, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having SЕX with her.
He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The ваsтаrd called again"

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Phone jokes

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok."
He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked!

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Birthday Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.
please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained,
"Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Old People Jokes Aviation Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

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Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirтy look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirтy look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunк.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Money jokes Men jokes Business jokes Banker Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful вrеаsтs he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

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So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Military Jokes American Presidents Humor

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

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