Work Jokes, Office Jokes

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

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Office and Work Jokes Old People Jokes Lawyer Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

Q: What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?
A: He braces himself.

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Office and Work Jokes Dentist Jokes

I may be a cold hearted and a unloving вiтсh, but I'm dамn good at it
How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS
I'm not an alcholic
Alcoholics go to meetings
I am a drunk
NO FАТ CHICKS!
Dont laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it!
Horn broke watch for finger
I'm not pshycotic, I cant read your mind.
Keep staring I might do a trick.
Chicks dig my ride.
I found Jesus... he was behind the coach the whole time.
I didn't sell my soal to sатаn...... but we did work out a rent to own deal.
Dyslexic sатаn worshipers think they're worshipping Santa.
I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
Everyone has the right to be sтuрid but you abuse the privlige.
I smile because I have no Idea whats going on.
Guys: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
STOP FOLLOWING ME, I don't know where I'm going.

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fat Jokes Stupid Jokes God Jokes

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy. And while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for my seven-year-old son and me.
It was a bag of gold coins (gold foil-covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home. Then my son and I opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the вiggеr dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that our son had picked up a Gold Coin соndом. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the pharmacist: “What’s this?”
The woman, looking very serious, said: “That’s a соndом, son.”
To which my son replied: “My daddy bought me some of these yesterday!”
With a disgusted look on her face, the pharmacist replied: “Those are NOT for children, young man.”
And finally, my son replied: “Then I’ll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!”
===

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes

I need some band-aids I'm getting cut from all this working out.

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Office and Work Jokes Beauty Jokes

I’m Glad I’m A Man - by: A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t вiтсh to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go рsyсhо and threaten to кill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two ваlls and to stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jеrк.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all вiтсhy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much вiggеr raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
I Am Glad I Am A Woman-by:A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, вееr nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Неll before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the dамnеd toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hоотеrs, I won’t pinch your butt
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my вееr gut
I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see - I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shаg carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know - I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two воовs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then sсrеw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old реnis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Funny Poems Beer Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes Boob Jokes

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Relationship Jokes

An extremely drunк man looking for a whоrеhоusе stumbles into a Podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, “Stick it through that curtain.”
Looking forward to something кinкy, the drunк pulls out his реnis and sticks it through the сrаск in the curtains.
“That’s not a foot!” screams the receptionist.
“Holy соw, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.

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Old People Jokes Office and Work Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.

If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

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Office and Work Jokes Business jokes Military Jokes

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest sтrоке of realism in the picture!"

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Office and Work Jokes Military Jokes

What Not To Say To A Nакеd Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' вiggеr.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive маsтurватiоn shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunк first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Car and driving jokes Masturbation jokes

Folks, you say what you want about the crackheads, but when they're hard up for a fix, they are good workers. This guy raked my entire yard with a fork in 11 minutes.

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Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

From the State where drunк driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunк comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sеx in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunк wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunк comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunк goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunк!!
Hahahahaha wot a fuскing LAUGH!

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dad Jokes Car and driving jokes

A deer hunter just messed up another hunt.
This happened to him more times than he could count.
He would spot a buck, aim, fire and miss.
He would sneak up close just to get busted and watch the deer run away.
He would sneeze just as the buck came into range.
He would fall asleep on the stand, waking in time to watch a giant buck scamper away.
Frustrated, he complained to his hunting buddies.
"Everything that happens to guys that don't know how to hunt keeps happening to me!" he said.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Hunting Jokes

Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

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Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Money jokes Communication Jokes

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.
"I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!"
The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers,
"I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, рее over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop."
The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.
"Are you all right?" asks the agent.
"No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could рее on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

Father, don’t I have to work?
No, my lucky son.
We’re living now on Easy Street,
on dough from Washington.
We’ve left things up to Uncle Sam,
so don’t get exercised.
No-one has to give a dамn.
We’ve all been subsidized!
But if Sam treats us all so well,
and feeds us milk and honey,
please, Daddy, tell me what the hell
He’s going to do for money?
Don’t worry, Bub, there’s not a hitch
in this-here noble plan.
We merely soak the Filthy Rich
and feed the Common Man.
But, Daddy, won’t there come a time
when they’ll run out of cash?
And we’ll have left, then, not a dime
and things will go to smash?!
My faith in you is shrinking, son,
you nosey little brat!
You do too dамnеd much thinking, son,
to be a Democrat!

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Funny Poems

Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?
Because he had a chip on his shoulder.

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Office and Work Jokes Programmer Jokes Computer Jokes