Work Jokes, Office Jokes

My girlfriend asked me for the 7th time in a row for me to smash raw...
She must think I'm made of coat hangers.

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Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta a way. Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was a in-pasta

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Office and Work Jokes Italian Jokes

Smith was hit by a car, died, and went to heaven.
And everyone who goes to heaven has to work.
God went up to Smith, and said: Smith, you are going to make babies.
Here is this wheel, and every time you turn it, a baby will come out.
For hours, Smith spun the wheel at full speed, then he started to get tired.
As he was slowing down, a black baby came out...and Smith said: **** I better hurry because they are burning."

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Baby Jokes Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

My daughter came home from school yesterday carrying a child’s artwork… “Look what I made daddy,” she said, “We were supposed to draw a scene from inside our house.”
I looked at it and said, “That’s nice sweetheart, but when have you seen a gorilla and a pink elephant standing under a waterfall in this house?”
“That’s not what that is daddy. That’s mommy and her friend Tyrone in the shower when you’re at work.”

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest ‘member’ he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes

There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door. "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?"

The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you both talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Business jokes Coffee Jokes

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a мurdеr in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: Who killed the man?
Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!
Policeman: Did you кill the man?
Foreign man: Yes sir!
Policeman: What did you use to кill him:
Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives!
Policeman: You´re under arrest.
Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!

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Office and Work Jokes Waiter Jokes Military Jokes School Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Q: What do cannibal tax advisors do after their office Christmas Dinner?
A: Toast their clients.

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Office and Work Jokes Christmas Jokes Food Jokes Customer service jokes Tax jokes

Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians?
Because they can’t find the motherboard

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Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes

I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job"
if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

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Office and Work Jokes

During a conversation regarding new potential Johny's job:
"Johny, tell us and what is your weak feature?"
Johny:
"Openness!"
Interviewer:
"But the openness isn't a weak feature!"
Johny:
"Ok, but I fuск what you think!"

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Office and Work Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes

Two firemen are вuтт fuскing in a smoked filled room.
The fire chief walks in and says "what are you doing?"
Give this man mouth to mouth then one of the firemen says:
"I did how do you think all this shiт got started..."

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Office and Work Jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Boss Jokes

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mom,” said the little boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They ‘re hookers, boy! They have sеx with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”
“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say ‘sorry ваве. I can’t come over tonight. I have to work. I’ll see you next week’
After I sent it I read it back and it said ‘Susan, I don’t see this relationship working. I am going to dump you in a public place next week. We won’t see each other until a night out in three months when we will have some drunken sеx and both feel horrible the morning after.’
I had fuскing predictive text on.

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Office and Work Jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes

A father went to take his daughter from school.
While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Kids Jokes

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework.
Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"?
Father scratches his сhin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate.
Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question"
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. "Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!"
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags..!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes Office and Work Jokes

in English class the teacher says
(Teacher): Kids you need to say the alphabet ok Sally you first.
(Sally): Okay a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z.
(Teacher): good job Sally. Then the teacher called on 4 other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on little Johnny.
(Teacher): Little Johnny say the alphabet.
(Little Johnny): bcefghijklmnopsvwxyz.
(Teacher): no Johnny that’s not right.
(Johnny): oh I forgot u r a q t.
(Teacher). No still not right and thank you.
(Johnny): oh I’ll give you the d later .
(Class): (laughing). (Teacher): GO TO THE OFFICE NOW .

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Office and Work Jokes Student jokes School Jokes

A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed.
She could see the light was on from the bedroom window.
As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said:
"I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Phone jokes

The aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint.
"Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sеx drive."
"Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your sеx drives all in your head."
"Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes