Dark Humor - Page 3

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is a Christian sаinт and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could вlоw the сrар out of him."

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Q: What was Нiтlеr's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

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Jewish Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Hitler Jokes Morbid jokes

I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight.
It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.

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Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Halloween Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two ваlls!

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Morbid jokes

In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine.
Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges.
As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.

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Irish jokes Dark Humor Jokes Military Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?"
Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!"
Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"

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Dark Humor Jokes Old People Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What did Нiтlеr get his granddaughter for her 5th birthday?
A: An easy bake oven.

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Hitler Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Christmas Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Birthday Jokes Morbid jokes

A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Beauty Jokes

Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.

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Dark Humor Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Cannibal Jokes

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

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Dark Humor Jokes Light bulb jokes Morbid jokes Dead baby jokes

Knock-knock
Who is there?
A shattered реnis with many diseases.
What kind of illness?
Gall, Aids, Gonorrhea, Syphilis...
Enough, it is the best present for my mother in law.

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Knock-knock jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Vulgar jokes

These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him,
"What the hеll is wrong with you?"
The guy replies, "I gotta shiт real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!"
His buddy tells him "Hang your аss out the window, and let it fly."
The guy hangs his аss out the window and the shiт flies back and hits the convertible.
The guys in the convertible say "Dамn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!"
The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his аss".
After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down.
His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up."
His friend says "No!"
The other guy says "Why".
His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a вiтсh!"

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Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Vulgar jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

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Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Morbid jokes

Q: How do you кill an emo?
A: You don't you let depression do the work.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?
A: Depends on how deep you stack them.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Morbid jokes Dead baby jokes Lawyer Jokes

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
His drill slipped

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Dark Humor Jokes Dentist Jokes

Q: What's the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?
A: Lefty.

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Dark Humor Jokes Communication Jokes Dinosaur jokes

Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Hitler Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired.

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Police Officer Jokes Dark Humor Jokes