The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.

"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

"Why are you so quiet?"

Me: "Well, nobody plans a murder out loud, do they?"

Lena: “Darling, I really think it’s time we got another baby.”

Charles: “Oh I’m quite relieved you said that. The one we have is a real pain in the neck!”

My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records.

Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

A guy runs with a machine gun into his wife’s chess club and yells: “Which of you nerdy scabs slept with my wife?”

A chees player looks up: “You know man, I don’t think your magazine will be enough.”