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A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor. “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature. ” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an оrаl thermometer. ”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk who has just saved the natives from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”