Friendship Jokes

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“Bless me father- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, it is.
“And, who was the woman you were with?”
“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ you Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Liz Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you ”
now!”
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers “well… what’d you get?”
“Three months vacation and five good leads.”
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2018 година. A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner. A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. Семейная пара купила робота-воспитателя со встроенным детектором лжи, и решила его испытать. Тут как раз пришел из школы их сын. Roboter Lügendetektor Après sa journée de travail, un homme rentre chez lui avec un robot détecteur de mensonge. Son fils arrive après lui. Le père demande alors : Un père ramène un robot détecteur de mensonge à la maison, qui gifle les gens quand ils mentent. Le soir au moment du repas en famille, il décide de le tester. - Fiston où étais-tu aujourd'hui ? - Bah à l'école papa. Le robot gifle le fils ! - Ok.. j'ai regardé un truc chez un pote. - Hmm et... Un homme rentre de son travail avec un robot détecteur de mensonges. Son fils de 11 ans rentre avec 3 heures de retard de l’école. - Où étais-tu tout ce temps ? demande le père. - J’étais chez un... Mamma Lucia torna sempre a casa con gli acquisti più strani, ed un giorno rientra con un robot dalla capacità di individuare le bugie. Verso le 19 di sera rientra suo figlio Tommaso, con due ore di ritardo. Teresa aveva perso la speranza di riuscire a far perdere il vizio al marito Paolo di tornare a casa con gli acquisti più strani. Un giorno tornò a casa con l’ennesimo strano acquisto, un robot con... O filho chega em casa, tarde da noite, e encontra o pai na sala com um robô ao lado. O pai pergunta: — Onde você estava? O filho responde: — Errr, na faculdade. Fiquei até tarde fazendo trabalho... O Robô vai pra trás do moleque e POOOF, mete-lhe um tapão na cabeça. — Que porra é essa, pai? — É... Pappan köper en robot med lögndetektor som slår människor när de ljuger. Han bestämmer sig för att testa den vid middagen. – Son var var du idag? – I skolan pappa. Roboten slår sonen. – Ok, jag såg... Jantje zijn vader komt op een dag thuis met een robot leugendetector. Speciaal aan de robot is dat als iemand een leugen vertelt de robot die persoon een slag in het gezicht geeft. Die avond komt... Vader: "Waar ben je al die tijd gebleven?" Jantje: "Ik was naar de bibliotheek om een spreekbeurt voor te bereiden." De robot rijdt recht naar Jantje en verkoopt hem een oplawaai. Vader: "Jantje,... Isä ostaa valheenpaljastimella varustetun robotin, joka lyö ihmistä aina kun tämä valehtelee. Hän päättää testata robottia ruokapöydässä. - Poika, missäs olit tänään? Poika vastaa: - Koulussa... Tėtis nusipirko melą nustatantį robotą, kuris pliaukšteli žmonėms per veidą, kai jie meluoja ir nusprendė jį išbandyti: - Sūnau, kur šiandien buvai? Sūnus sako: - Mokykloj. Robotas pliaukšteli...
Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes
A man had come back from his hunting trip in Africa. He Gloats to his friend about the Giant, silver back Gorilla he had spent the whole time tracking.
"All I had on me to кill it was my lucky Cricket Bat, my Hunting Rifle with only one bullet, and my two Hunting Knives" explained the man.
"Did you кill it in the end?" asked his friend.
"Sure did" Grinned the man. "It was quite tricky, but I did"
"How so?" said the friend.
"Well" he explained, "when I had finally found the beast, I first attempted to knock it out with my bat, but the brute snatched it out my hand, pushed me aside, and snapped it half. Angry at loss of my lucky bat, I preceded to load my one bullet into my rifle and fired at the animal, but the swift giт was quick enough to dodge it. I was furious at this point, I threw my gun the floor, and in my rage I took out both of my knives and threw them at him, but the cheeky ваsтаrd managed to catch both of them in mid air"
This left the friend confused, so he finally asked the man "had did you manage to кill it then?"
"Well you see" explained the man "after it had caught my knives, it started to beat it's chests shouting AaaaaAAaaaaAAaaAAaaaa!"
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(This is a true account of my advice to my pre-teen a few years back. We all know, for the most part that 5th grade boys haven’t started to develop, yet they are still proud of their alleged superiority and having “something” that girls don’t have, and ages ten and eleven are among the ugliest ages for taunting and bullying during “recess” and on the school buses.)
So my ten year old confides in me that a group of boys taunt her every day that she is a “Pirate’s Dream,” with a “sunken chest.” So I asked her: “Who is the ‘ringleader?'”
She told me, and I said, “Tomorrow, look him straight in the eye, and respond, ‘You’re a fine one to talk, centimeter peter.’ ”
Two days later, she said, “I did you one better, daddy, I called him ‘millimeter peter’ and all his friends laughed at him as he slunk away in shame.”
She never had any further trouble and by age 16, she had a more than respectable rack.
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: ‘
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to… the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go рее.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite‚. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.
‘ ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’
The teacher was speechless….
Как един мъж ще каже тактично на една жена, с която е на вечеря в ресторант, че отива до тоалетната: During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the... Во бон тон школо и добро однесување седат група млади и слушаат предавање. Младата професорка поставува прашање: - Перо, и се удвараш на девојка од добра и угледна фамилија, образована и ја... Durante una clase de moral y buenas maneras, la profesora dice a sus alumnos: - Miguel, si fueras a cortejar a una joven de buena familia, muy bien educada, durante una cena íntima para dos, y tuvieras necesidad de ir a los servicios, ¿qué dirías? - Espérame un momento, que voy a echar una... Dozent macht Benimmunterricht mit drei Bankern. Er fragt den ersten: "Sie haben eine charmante junge Dame zum Essen in ein Restaurant eingeladen und muessen mal auf die Toilette. Was sagen Sie?" Antwortet der erste von der Sparkasse: "Was soll ich da schon gross sagen? Ich sag halt: 'Also,... Drei Banker sind bei einem Benimm-Kurs und werden von der Trainerin gefragt, wie sie sich bei einem feinen Abendessen mit einer Dame verhalten, wenn Sie merken, dass sie ein dringendes Bedürfnis... Pendant une classe où l'on enseignait la morale et les bonnes manières, l'institutrice demande aux élèves: La prof : « Albert, comment ferais tu si tu courtisais une fille pendant un dîner et que tu avais envie d’aller au toilettes ? » Albert : « Attends je vais pisser ! » La prof : « Mais, c’est... Öğretmen, 8_10 yaşındaki erkek çocukları biraraya toplamış, nezaket, görgü kuralları ve yaşam dersleri veriyormuş. 'Michael' demiş, - 'Genç bir hanımla ilk kez akşam yemeğine çıkıyorsun. Masaya... Pewna francuska gazeta ogłosiła konkurs z następującym pytaniem dla panów: - "Siedzisz w eleganckiej restauracji z bardzo piękną kobietą. Masz pilną potrzebę wyjścia do toalety". W jaki sposób... During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: - Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would... A vendéglőben ül a pár az első randijukon, amikor a pasinak pisilnie kell. Így szól a hölgyhöz: - Elnézést, magára hagyom pár percre, mert szeretnék kezet fogni azzal a barátommal, akit még ma este... In timpul orei de dirigentie, profesorul tine o lectie De morala si bune maniere. - Va place o tanara domnisoara si ii faceti curte cu Insistenta; seara mergeti la un restaurant elegant, Pentru o... Učitel vykládá svým studentům o dobrých mravech a ptá se jednoho po druhém: „Tak Michaeli, kdybyste byl na schůzce s děvčetem a seděli byste v restauraci, jak byste jí řekl, že potřebujete na...
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It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the веll. ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced  tea?’Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mum brought in the iced tea.
‘So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked. ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..”Peggy likes to sсrеw, you know,’ Mum informed him.
‘Really?’ Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do! Sсrеw, again and again!!’
‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous.
‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d sсrеw all night if we let her!’
‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,  wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She  greeted Fred. ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind  her.
“The Twist, Mum!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The  dance is called the Twist!!!”
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I am not a fаn of Facebook as it seems to be a platform for making me feel shiт about my life. I am sure everyone lies about their wonderful lives on it. So, here is my interpretation of what is really being said on Facebook…..
Wow..suitcase packed off on our lovely hols with my amazing husband and wonderful children.
( I am shattered from being up all night packing for these lazy ваsтаrds….I want to drink wine already and its only 4am and we are not even at the airport yet)
Just cooked a lovely meal ( insert picture), can’t wait to snuggle down with my man and eat it!
(hope he chokes on it…and I didn’t cook it at all, I warmed it up then put it on a plate so you will all think I am a domestic goddess)
Had the most amazing night with my lovely friends…
( spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for recently dumped friend, trying to stop desperate friend shаgging inappropriate man, holding hair for ‘shots all night’ friend while she vomits up £40 worth of вооzе…..never again.)
Just had a lovely bath complete with candles!!
( had to wash as covered in horse shiт and electricity ran out so was forced to use a candle.)
Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today!
( because the fuскеrs ran off and it took me 5 miles to catch them.)
Had a lovely day with all the family today!
( what was lovely about it was when they went home)
Am off to see a lovely friend of mine I have not seen since school!
( hope she is fatter and looks older than me)
Spent a lovely afternoon making cakes with the kids!
( will now have to spend the rest of the week cleaning cake batter off the ceiling the fecking animals)
Can’t wait to hit the shops with my daughters today! Girlie shopping!
( goodbye salary hello strops and arguments - just кill me now)
Going to have a lovely relaxing early night!
( have to get to bed and asleep pronto, hubby feeling fruity, am not in mood so instigating avoidance tactics!!..)
You Can See Original Article by Anna Mathews here
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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll кill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being nакеd, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nudе?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air вlоw over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a соndом when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
Un hombre se reúne con su amante, y comienzan a hacer el amor. De repente llaman a la puerta. - ¡Es mi marido! - grita la mujer - ¡Salta por la ventana! Él salta. Está lloviendo. El hombre ve un... Era una tía que estaba en casa, en cama con su amante cuando de repente el marido llega y rápidamente le dice: - Apura cariño que ya está entrando. Salta por la ventana. A pesar de que llovía a... Una donna si incontra a casa propria con il suo amante quando il marito è a lavoro. Un giorno quando sono nel letto, la donna sente arrivare la macchina del marito nel garage. E'rientrato prima del... En kvinna hade en älskare medan gubben var på jobbet. En dag då hon var i säng med älskaren, hörde hon till sin stora skräck att mannen parkerade på garageuppfarten. - Gode Gud, det är min man. Få... Een vrouw is lekker aan het vrijen met haar geheime minnaar. Plotseling is er een heleboel kabaal onder in de woning. "Vooruit, door het raam en wegwezen, mijn man is in aantocht!" Met de kleding... A feleség és szeretője éppen a házasságtörés kellős közepén tartanak, amikor kulcs csikordul a zárban. - Úristen, ez a férjem! - ugrik fel az asszony. - Gyerünk, gyorsan fogd a ruháidat, aztán...
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