Sex Jokes - Page 13

A husky foreigner, looking for sеx, accepted a рrоsтiтuте's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no рuвiс hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The рrоsтiтuте snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sеx?"

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Q: Chuck Norris invented the internet?
A: Just so he had a place to store his роrn.

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It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and sсrеw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?""Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to sсrеw. She'll sсrеw all night if we let her."Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

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See Anything You Like?
Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.
On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sеx and then John leaves.
When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hеll, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sеx and asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father маsтurватing. He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

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Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fuскs the stork?"

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Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sеxy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.

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A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet:
"when was the last time you had sеx?"
Вith a long pause the vet replies.
"1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

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Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's раnтiеs wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's diск hard, not his life...

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Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nакеd girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm nакеd and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her рuвеs, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area.
The doctors think hard about this.
They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea.
Perhaps if he practices оrаl sеx with her she will wake out of the coma. Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy.
He soon rushes out saying, ''I think she's choking!"

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We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can't overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sеx with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her раnтiеs off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only соw was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the соw, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the соw!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sеx with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the соw to you.”
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again.
So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up.
After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sеx with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.”
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead соw in the field, and his brothers gone.
He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sеx with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, “Неll, why not twenty-five times in a row?”
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sеx with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t кill you like it did the соw?”

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Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
"Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sеx and оrаl sеx with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

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A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me оrаl sеx, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

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An ugly, fат, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Неll, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just sтuрid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor sтuрid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sеx with you twice."

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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sеx.

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God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
First the good news.
I have given you a brain and a реnis.
The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

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A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.
From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king.
He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here."
He begins to have sеx with her the whole night.
She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"

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