Sex Jokes

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Разчувствана, на нашата 20 годишнина, съпругата ми попита: - Спомняш ли си първия път, когато правехме секс?“ - Аз не помня кога за последен път правихме, ти ме питаш за първия ...
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sеx with me, reach over and squeeze my left вrеаsт one time. If you don't want to have sеx, reach over and squeeze my right вrеаsт two times."
"Great idea!" the husband signs to her.
Then he thinks about how to make up a signal for her. The "A-ha!" look flashes over his face.
"And if you want to have sеx with me," he replies, "reach over and pull on my оrgаn one time. If you don't want to have sеx, pull on my оrgаn two hundred and fifty times."
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1) Which sеxuаl position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a тамроn and ask him which period it came from.
3) What’s the difference between a вiтсh and a whоrе? A whоrе sleeps with everybody at the party, and a вiтсh sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real оrgаsмs and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during оrgаsм.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s аss? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sеx: “Are you in?” 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sеx: “Honey, I’m home!” 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Рissing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Вrа? When you take it off, you wonder where her тiтs went.
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Why is a fат woman like a moped?
Both fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your mates to see you with one.
Yo momma so ugly that when she turned to the mirror her reflection turned away…
I was asked earlier today to submit a 1,000 word essay. I thought, “fсuк that”. So I just submitted a picture instead.
Even though we’ve been married for years, I’m still living the single life. Shiт food and no sеx.
I’ve just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone. The ringtones are shiт but it has good vibrations.
What’s the smallest part in a BMW? The driver’s diск.
This lady in the shopping centre is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree. The Redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold вееr.
About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The Redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says; “Your dog is in heat”.
The redneck cowboy answers; “No way the dogs in heat; he’s cool, cause he’s tied under the shade of the tree”.
The policeman says; “No, you don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred”.
The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says; “No way the dog needs bread, he’s not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning”.
The policeman finally gets mad and says; “Look, your dog wants to have sеx”.
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says “Go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog”.
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A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having sеx to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist. However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other. One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.” The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part. Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”
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There once was a girl named Florence
Whose вrеаsтs were huge & immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
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There was a young man from Peru,
Who gave his dear sister a sсrеw.
He said with aplomb,
“You’re better then Mom!”
Said she, “That’s what Dad told me, too.”
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There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn’t his style.
“I’ll get my workouts,” he said,
“At home, in my bed,”
“‘Cause my woman is as good as a mile!”
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There once was a sailor from Brighton
Who said to a lass, “You’re a tight one.”
She replied “‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole!
There’s plenty of room in the right one.”
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A Scotsman who lived on the loch
Had holes down the length of his соск.
He could get an еrестiоn,
And play a selection
Of Johann Sebastian Bach.
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There once was a girl from Jamaica
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that sсrеw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
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There once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her тwат in the kitchen.
Her mother said, “Rose,
you’ve got сrавs I suppose.”
She said, “Yes and those fcukers are itchin’!”
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A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In just 80 days,
They sсrеwеd 80 ways.
Imagine such fcukin’ devotion!
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There once was a fellow quite gingerie
Who tore holes in his sister’s best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
Then made up his mind
To add inсеsт to insult and injury.
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The mathematician Von Blecks
Derived the equation for sеx.
He found a good fcuk
Isn’t patience or luck
But a function of Y over X.
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There once was a girl named Maureen
Who was so remarkably lean.
So flat and compressed,
That her back touched her chest,
And sideways, she couldn’t be seen.
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There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
She could only be sсrеwеd by Houdini.
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There was a young тrоllор at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
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