Travel and Tourist Jokes

Jim is up north on a trip and his car breaks down.
He checks it out for a minute and being a mechanic he pretty quickly knows he needs a tow truck.
He opens his phone and has no signal so he starts walking.
A few minutes later he here's the bass of a car coming in the distance, bht dum dum do buh dum dum do.
He waits and sees a low riding car pull up next to him.
The windows roll down and smoke pours out.
He sees a bunch of empty вееr bottles.
The driver and his 3 passengers ask "hey man! Need a lift? We saw your car up the road?"
He thinks for a minute and decides not to go with them.
The ask what's wrong with the car the mechanic replies "uhh just piston broke that's all" the driven than replies "eh so are we man hop in!"

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A guy rang up to air port and said: "Do you mind me please to ask how long is from New York to Sanfransico?
The lady replied "A moment..."
Then the guy said "Thank you" and ceased conversation.

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Men jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

I bought a lottery ticket.
My son asked me: "Dady if your ticket wins $100,000 what will you do?"
I replied: "A travel to Europe, drink best and most expensive wines, making sеx by the most beautiful actress and so on."
He again asked: "If unfortunately, your ticket didn't win what would be your action?"
I angrily gazed him then I told him: "I don't move here, drink some вооzе and вееr; fuск your mother."

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Sex Jokes Money jokes Vulgar jokes Dad Jokes Communication Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Beer Jokes

What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?
First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viаgrа.

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Viagra jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Wedding jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Q: Why do blondes need see through lunch boxes.
A: So they can tell if they're coming home or going to work.

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Men vs Women Jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Communication Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules...

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Halloween Jokes Office and Work Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Sailor Jokes

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.

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Vampire jokes Halloween Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says,
"Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says,
"Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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Redneck jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Fishing Jokes

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fuскing!"

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Friendship Jokes Sex Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.
As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?"
An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."

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Food Jokes Old People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes American Jokes

An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

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Aviation Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Stupid Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff… church, church, church." essories for it.

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Church jokes Money jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn.
He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

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Accountant Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Yo mama's so poor, I was driving with her and she parked next to a garbage can.
I asked, "What're you doing?"
She said: "I'm booking us a hotel!"

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Car and driving jokes Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."
"But I have to get off there!"
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."
As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says,
"Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"

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Car and driving jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Travel agency named „Bermuda triangle" – Let us meet on the other side.

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Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him,
"What the hеll is wrong with you?"
The guy replies, "I gotta shiт real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!"
His buddy tells him "Hang your аss out the window, and let it fly."
The guy hangs his аss out the window and the shiт flies back and hits the convertible.
The guys in the convertible say "Dамn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!"
The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his аss".
After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down.
His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up."
His friend says "No!"
The other guy says "Why".
His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a вiтсh!"

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Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Vulgar jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

I went to a very beautiful place yesterday.
There were blossoms, roses and bright sky like a fantasy land.
I was so happy until some idiот woke me up...

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Beauty Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on a couch watching the news on TV with man's arm around the woman.
The man says "Lookit them hомо-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution.
"We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. "
"Right, Darlin."
The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

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Redneck jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Couple jokes

George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

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Science jokes Lawyer Jokes Math Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes