Gross jokes, Disgusting jokes

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A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.
"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please." The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.
"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

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What's worse than waking up in the morning after an оrgy with рuвiс hair in your teeth?
Waking up in the morning after after an оrgy with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.

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A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of сrар. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, ''Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."

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Q: What do you call the sweat on your ваlls after having sеx with your cousin?
A: Relative humidity.

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Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle.
They made it to an uninhabited island.
Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.
Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.
Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again–being so ashamed of what they were doing.

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What's the difference between a leprechaun and gonorrhea?
One's a cunning runt.

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"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end."
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."

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What's green and sits in the corner?
That same baby three weeks later.

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Boy while kissing his girlfriend:
"Thank u baby... For give me your chewing gum.."
Girl says, "This is not chewing gum my love. I’m suffering from cough!"

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Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten inch реnis?
A: "Partially disabled."

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What do you call a рrоsтiтuте with a runny nose?
Full.

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What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

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A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again.
"What was the matter?" she asks.
"Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies.
Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"

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Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

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Q: Why are constipated people so rude?
A: They don't give a сrар.

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Q: How do you get a baby into a bowl?
A: A blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.

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Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder.

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One roommate said to another, "Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth."
His roommate replied, "Oh, that's my fault - I guess I missed."

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