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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish guy must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’
And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English ваsтаrd again.'
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fаrт, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fаrт. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fаrт you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hеll out from under him before he shiтs on you!!''