Love Jokes

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

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You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body.
Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"

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My girlfriend told me that will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!

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Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says "I'm in love with my dog."
"Well that is not so unusual, millions of people love their dogs."
"But doctor, you don't understand. I'm physically attracted to my dog. I'm in love with my dog."
"Well, is your dog male or female?"
"Female, of course, what the hеll do you think I am, quееr?"

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I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

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A man says to his wife, "I fancy кinкy sеx, how about I вlоw my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fuскing talking aren't you?"

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Son: "What's love juice daddy?"
Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sеx. Anyway? What are you watching?"
Son: "Wimbledon."

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There are some sounds that everyone loves…

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My great grandson's class were asked to make a mothers day card for their mothers.
On mothers day he presented this beautiful hand made a card to his mum...
Hearts and kisses and wishing her Happy Mums Day on opening the card printed in bold letters was "DADS THE BEST"...
Needless to say, his mum still loves him.

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Tow millipedes went for honey moon.
The male one asked: "My darling, between which feet is your рussy, please?"

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Which Women's Day gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive!
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Dinner/Dancing
5. Waffle iron
1. CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. DINNER/DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight.
OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
5. WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving kitchen appliances.

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Him: "I'm going to come and see you, I don't care about the gas prices or anything I'm coming to no matter what."
Her: "Aw okay, I'm going to get ready."
Him: "I love you, I can't wait to see you, I'm getting ready to leave."
Her: "Okay honey, I'm on my period, just letting you know."
Him: "My car just blew up, I can't come see you."
Her: "Get your friend to bring you, he always does."
Him: "He got shot I can't come, sorry."
Her: "Never mind I'm not on my period, my раnтiеs are just red."
Him: "My boy said he is okay, he's going to take me, I'm going."
Her: "I'm really on my period."
Him: "Dамn! He got shot again..."

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How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?

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Do you believe in love at first set?
Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?

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Life is like a definite integral.
Integral from birthday to death ( LOVE ) dx = LIFE

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I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.
Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kenya.
Kenya who?
Keeeenya feeel the loooove tonight?

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What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You would think R but it is the C that love.

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