Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.
He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
"I’m sorry," said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", says the wife
...2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !
Husband says "sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ..."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 !

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They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore: marriage is an institution for the blind.

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They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

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My husband has a split personality – and I hate both of them.

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Growing up, Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a mother and a father.
He had a mother and a motherf*cker.

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A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

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Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty hоrny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sеx every five weeks and the woman gets sеx as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was geting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.

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Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy - right away, you have something in common.
So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

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A blond was taking a shower and her husband called in and asked "did you find the new dry hair shampoo I picked up for you?" And the blond replied "yes but there's a problem I already got my hair wet"

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A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”

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why can’t orphans work at S.C Johnson
Cause it’s a family company

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Teacher: Kids what are something you have that make you happy?
Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy.
Kid 2: I have my friend to make me happy.
Teacher: What about you Sean?
Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy…

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What was the last thing her husband said to her?
I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.

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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.

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A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant.
My name, living address, phone number...

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