Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Doctor to woman patient:
"Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him."
Patient:
"But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."

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How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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Monday – a very, very, good day! The leader’s daughter lost. We found her and all of us made sеx with her.
Tuesday – a very, very, good day! The leader's wife lost. We found her and all of us made sеx with her.
Wednesday – a very, very, very, very, very, very, bad day! ... I lost! … Now they're looking for me.

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Eliz Wright: After All That.
If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good sсrеw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped - suicide is not one of my thoughts. I'm thinking maybe homicide.

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I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out - just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.

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Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald - the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton - the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert - you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

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A man would come home very late and very drunк every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Sатаn and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"

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Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards.
If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
A smack to the аss and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

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Three men stranded on an island.
They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie.
The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick."
So they thought about what they were going to wish for.
The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family."
So the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said
"I wish I was in the pub with my mates."
So he was gone.
The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."

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Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce?
A: Ten thousand!

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A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary.
The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand.
He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it."
The wife was out of control with anger.
She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her раnтiеs and pushes her hairy рuвiс area forward.
She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that dамn coat!"
"That’s not your chest, that is your рussy!" husband screamed back.
"Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back. "While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and dамn it. If you don’t buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."

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What are Women Really Thinking?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?
And your point is?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

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Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree.
He's been hanging there for quite a while.

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Q: Did you hear about the Hungarian who thought his wife was trying to кill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Hungarian Remover".

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Guy: Do you wanna hang out this Friday?
Girl: Sorry, but I am getting married this Friday!
Guy: Wow, well congratulations! Then how about this Saturday?

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An advertisement:
I change 40-year-old wife to two 20-years-old ones.
Do not offer four 10-year-old ones.

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A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said,
"Yes."
... He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

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A мurdеr has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five... Six ... Put me down for a five."

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