Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”
“Sure is.”
“Have I met her?”
“I don't think so.”
“Is she attractive?”
“Won't win any beauty contests.”
“Can she cook?”
“Can't even boil an egg.”
“Is she rich?”
“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”
“She must be great in the sack then?”
“I haven't actually found out.”
“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
“She can still drive.”

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

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What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

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Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night.
I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’

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He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased.
Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.

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Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?

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Man to friend: ‘When did you first realise your wife had stopped loving you?’
Friend: ‘When she pushed me through the window, and wrote for an ambulance.’

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A drunк phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car.
‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out…
‘Oh hang on.
I’m in the back seat.’

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Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

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The old couple next door are having a ‘Football Romance’, each is waiting for the other to kick off so they can get some action.

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‘Why don’t you go home to your wife.
Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx

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‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.
They lay there and looked at each other.
Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.
One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’
Steven Wright

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“What does the word ‘gаy’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gаy then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”

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Top 15: Why Hockey is Better than Sеx:
It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people play hockey even after they're married The puck's always hard The protective equipment is reusable It lasts at least an hour A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon You always know how big the stick is You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding You can change players on the fly You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds Your parents cheer when you score Periods last only 20 minutes You're sure to get it at least twice a week You can tell your friends about it afterwards

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A funeral service was being held for a you ng woman who had just passed away.
As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

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James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.
They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16.
The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.
Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'.
'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'

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The following conversation took place in school.
Teacher:
"So we are all descended from Adam and Eve."
Young kid:
"My dad says we came from apes."
Teacher:
"That's probably true for your family Abdul."

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Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.

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