A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Кill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has ваlls!"
The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?".
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Кill him and then кill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has ваlls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a sеамаn high up on a tower, "Hey, sеамаn, jump off that tower!"
The sеамаn answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The sеамаn replies, "Fuск you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has ваlls and he's got brains too!"
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.
So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going."One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question."Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's (a former ruler of Russia) speeches ran six hours is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy. In fact, there was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.