Newest jokes - Page 2347

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

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What is an alien’s favourite chocolate?
A mars bar

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Space jokes Alien Jokes

Knock knock. Who’s there? A boy. A boy who? A boy who can’t reach the doorbell knocking at your door.

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Knock-knock jokes

My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details.
“How much cash was in your wallet, sir?” asked the police officer.
“£800,” said Granddad.
“OK, sir,” said the police officer as he was leaving, “we’ll let you know if we find out anything.”
Granddad, I said, where did you get 800 pounds ? You don’t have that kind of money.
I know, said Granddad, but if they catch the сunт it’s my word against his.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

A colleague at work asked me earlier why when I started going out with a woman, it only ever lasted 3 or 4 dates at the most.
“I just get scared” I said.
“What, of commitment?” he asked.
“No” I replied, “My wife finding out.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Cheating Jokes

On social media I posted, “If anyone mentions Christmas before Thanksgiving, I'm going to delete them!”
The next day, I didn’t have any friends.

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Christmas Jokes Friendship Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes

So I’m in the gym minding my own business when the guy next to me says:
“Hey, man, I can bench 300 pounds - what can you do?”
“Er, read.”

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Men jokes Fitness jokes

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Dog jokes

A Muslim enters a building…
Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.

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Aviation Jokes

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. "
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says,
"I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says,
"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

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Office and Work Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Boss Jokes Coffee Jokes American Presidents Humor

I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny. So I just snickered…

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

Raphael is in biology class. Each student is dissecting a cockroach. He cuts off one leg, and says, “walk,” …
It walks. …
…
He cuts off the 2nd and 3rd legs and says, “walk,” …
It walks. …
He cuts off all the remaining legs and says, “walk….”
The cockroach doesn’t move.
Finally, Raphael writes his conclusion……
“After all the legs of a cockroach are cut off - it becomes deaf.”

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Science jokes School Jokes

What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden.
The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap

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Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

I was listening to the same song at work today.
My colleague, who was right next to me said, “Quickly change the fuскing track!”
I asked, “Why?”
He said, “Because if you don’t, those two trains will collide.”

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Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes

So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gаy marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!
A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!
A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!
A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!
A cannibal joke
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!
A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!

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Halloween Jokes Vampire jokes

John: How old are you?
Peter: Hmmm.. I'm 7
John: You know what, when I was your age, I was also 7.

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Old People Jokes Kids Jokes

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sеx with Fаnny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
It has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sеx with Fаnny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fаnny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
A tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fаnny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Irish jokes Priest Jokes

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.” Alarm that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”
“Lollipops,” was the reply.

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Office and Work Jokes Business jokes Boss Jokes

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway.
As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground.
A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!"
As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.
"Do you realize your arm is gone?" asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
"My rolex, my brand new rolex!"

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Lawyer Jokes Police Officer Jokes

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