Newest jokes - Page 283

"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."

36 0

Money jokes

A guy and a girl are roommates in college.
The girl goes to a frat party, brings home another guy, fuскs him, and then decides the next morning that she likes her roommate and therefore it's not going to work out. After her fling left, her roommate came up to her and:
Him: "I think I found my soulmate in you..."
Her: "Really?!"
Him: "Yeah... uh... that guy you brought home last night?"
Her: "Oh yeah. I don't care about him anymore."
Him: "Great! So he's available?"

0 0

Gay and Lesbian Jokes College jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes

I'd normally ask a question but since it's 2020, I'll just keep driving

487 0

Jokes

Men are like... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

37 0

Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Chocolate Jokes

One day, a guy decides to go ice fishing. He gets out onto the ice and starts making a hole with his ice augur. Suddenly he hears a booming voice say "there's no fish there!"
He looks around startled but doesn't see anyone.
He packs up and moves to another spot and starts working on a new hole.
Again he hears the booming voice "there's no fish there!"
He moves again and starts making a new hole and hears the voice again.
"There's no fish there!" it booms.
He looks up nervously.
"G-G-God? I-I-Is that... you?" he asks.
"No, it's the arena manager. Get the fuск out of here!"

0 0

God Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Management Jokes Vulgar jokes Boss Jokes

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

16 0

Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes God Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Priest Jokes Friendship Jokes Wine jokes

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."

41 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes USA Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Political Jokes New year jokes Tax jokes

Dad shouts: "Stop watching роrn, I can hear it in my room!"
Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching роrn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"

36 0

Sports Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,500.00."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
It's on sale!!
Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

36 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes Banker Jokes Beauty Jokes Phone jokes BMW jokes

A drunк guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.
"Oh great, my wife is going to кill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunк man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunк and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he shiт in my pants too."

0 0

Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection.
Once, a man asked how much a record cost.
My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."

74 0

Music and Musician Jokes

You might be a redneck if you think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

36 0

Gross Jokes Food Jokes Redneck jokes

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the "no-веll" prize!

1 0

Knock-knock jokes

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

63 0

Money jokes One-Liner Jokes Funeral jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Boss Jokes

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said.
"Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over", he said.

36 0

Sports Jokes

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.

36 0

Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Light bulb jokes Atheist Jokes

The worst place to have a heart attack is during a gama of cherades.
...Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers.

37 0

Dark Humor Jokes

What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a воnеr?
He smashed his his nose.
Whats the Diffenence between кinкy and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends аss with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her аss, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the рiss out the underpants.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
What's the difference between a реnis and a bonus?
Your wife will always вlоw your bonus!
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his соск.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the кnов and I'll сuм as fast as I can.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunк driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car.
He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "ВRЕАSТS."

30 0

Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him.
"I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue.
"Of course!" the 1st guy exclaims, "here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too."
Their exchange continues:
1st: "Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?"
2nd: "St. Catherine Street. And you?"
1st: "St. Catherine Street, same as you!"
2nd: "Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?"
1st: "St. Jospeh's Boy's Academy."
2nd: "Son of a вiтсh, I went to St. Joe's too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!"
This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?"
The bartender shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunк again."

35 0

School Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Irish jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Latest Jokes