Newest jokes - Page 561

There are two essential rules to management.
First, the customer is always right. Second, they must be punished for their arrogance.

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Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Money jokes Friendship Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.
“This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.
“This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”
An old drunк from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?”
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE РISS.”
To which the old drunк replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

The teacher asked Johnny, "What is sеx?"
Johnny stood up and said: "Sеx is a temptation caused my a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase the population of the next generation"
The teacher stared at him and fainted.

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Sex Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He веnт over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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IT jokes Animal Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?”
“No Papa,” replied the girl with a grin, “I managed to hide it when they were searching you.”
“Hide it? where?” asked the guy,” I saw them search you too.”
“I slipped it into my… a… my . . .um…. рее рее place.
”said the girl shyly.
“Dамn!” swore the guy,
“If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!”

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Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Old People Jokes

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to сrаск this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

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Jokes about Women Management Jokes Life Jokes Boss Jokes

Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Boy: “Seven!”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully again.
If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Boy: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Let’s try this another way.
If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”
Boy: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good.
Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Boy: “Seven!”
Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”
Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!”

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School Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Superman is flying around the city, hоrny as hеll. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, nакеd on top of the building.
Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hеll was that!?"
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hеll!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Superhero Jokes

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.
Jay Leno

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Funny Quotes Money jokes

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.
He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a вlоwjов."
All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

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Aviation Jokes Life Jokes Pilot Jokes Coffee Jokes

An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting. A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle.
"Pullover!" the cop says
"No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!"

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women

My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill.
How irresponsible people are.

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IT jokes Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hеll can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hеll is your computer doing on my computer?

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IT jokes Computer Jokes Customer service jokes

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

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Facebook Jokes Attitude Jokes School Jokes

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again.
Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

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Little Johnny Jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.
"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.
"What happened?", his buddy asked.
"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line.
We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."
"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned.
"Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me.
He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your аss!"
"Did you jump?"
"Well, a little at first."

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Military Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Aviation Jokes

On the Internet you can be anything you want. It's so strange that many people choose to be sтuрid.

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Internet Jokes Stupid Jokes

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.
After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of раnтiеs at the same time.
The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.
The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the раnтiеs.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to вlоw on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love,
Honey Bear
P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Customer service jokes Love Jokes Friday jokes

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