Newest jokes - Page 573

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee рот and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Teacher: Students draw a picture of bacteria.
Student: Here it is Mam!
Teacher: Where? It Is Blank.
Student: you told that bacteria cannot be seen with nакеd eye!

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School Jokes Student jokes

Teacher (on phone):
"You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?"
Voice:
"This is my father."

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dad Jokes

Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there's nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.

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Food Jokes Facebook Jokes History Jokes

I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.

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Car and driving jokes

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice вrеаsтs.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

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Food Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Wine jokes Restaurant Jokes

What is a redneck's last words?
Hold my вееr and watch this!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Redneck jokes Sick and Death Jokes Beer Jokes

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sеx by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said,
"Wow! This is the very best sеx I've had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing?"

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Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Hotel Jokes

Yo momma so ugly that when she smiles in the mirror the reflection doesn't smile back.

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Yo Momma Jokes

A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church. He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?"
"Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sеxuаl life, wins!"
"Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sеx!"
And the boys unanimously:
"You won, Father!"

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Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Priest Jokes Church jokes Priest Jokes

Customer to Waiter: "This is the third time I'm asking you, do you serve pigs in here?!"
Waiter: "Sir Please sit down, this is the 100th time I telling you, we serve everyone here."

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Food Jokes Waiter Jokes Vulgar jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-аss jоск in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sеxuаl exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God, “How long is a billion years to you?”
God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”
God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”
So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”
And God replies, “In a sec.”

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Religion jokes Money jokes God Jokes Men jokes

- Honey - says the wife to her husband - last night I had the most AMAZING dream..
I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fаn to us and that gave me great satisfaction..”
The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fаn to them while they made love.
The three of them went home and the couple started having sеx while the black man was waving the fаn.
But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles.
She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fаn next to them.
The husband accepted and started waving the fаn…
After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more!
So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fаn, you ashole?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Africa Jokes

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a рiss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my рее barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shiт, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I рiss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shiт like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A customer comes into the computer store.
I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics.
You know, something really challenging."
"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Vista?"

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Computer Jokes Customer service jokes

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers... and then there are educators.

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School Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.

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Dirty jokes Business jokes Vulgar jokes

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes

When I reached to a desert island I didn't find anybody; so I turned home!

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Travel and Tourist Jokes

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