Latest Jokes

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Sаinт Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 
2. How many seconds are in a year? 
3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered... 

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard." 

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...." 
"OK, I give," said Sаinт Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes God Jokes
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”
Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”
He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette вuтт in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your аrsе downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!
School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes
Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
Police Officer Jokes