Newest jokes - Page 731

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.
"How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.
"My head's spinning," the engineer confesses.
"How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"
"Well, it's not even difficult.
All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."

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Нiтlеr's orange Jews. 100% concentrated.

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Hitler Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Did you ever hear of a Jewish Wine?

"I wanna go to Florida!!!"

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Old People Jokes Wine jokes

A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sеx with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sеx with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes Weather jokes

A farmer was coming home from a hard day’s work, tired, thirsty and almost dehydrated. He stopped at a nearby house and asked for water.

A little boy who was home alone offered him lemonade instead of water. The more he drank, the more the boy told him he could have. He asked the boy if he was sure his mother would be pleased that he drank so much.

The boy replied, “You can have as much as you want because my dog died in it.”

Shocked and angry the man lifted the pitcher intending to use it to hit the boy who then shouted, "Oh no! No! Be careful or you'll break my mother’s bedpan!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Farmer Jokes Dog jokes

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

'It ain't so bad,' one crook noted. 'We got $25 between us.'

The boss screamed:
'I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!'

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Boss Jokes

It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year.
We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.

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New year jokes

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no веll prize.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Knock-knock jokes

The advert said, “Just two pounds a week can help reduce the problem of domestic violence in the UK.”
I suppose I could cut down, and only pound the wife twice a week.

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Criminal Jokes

My son asked, “Dad, how come I have brown skin and you are white?”
“Well just look at your mum, son.” I said.
“But she’s not black.”
“I know, you idiот!” I replied, “She’s a fсuкing whоrе!”

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Cheating Jokes Dad Jokes

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet “Growing up, Christmas was always about me, and eventually you, when I finally started to enjoy the giving part. But Thanksgiving is always about us.” — Rosecrans Baldwin My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ... but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey."
"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet. What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween? Gobble-ins! Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play. Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drum sticks! “If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.” — Frank A. Clark If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! “Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” - Tom Swyers “I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” - Robert Brault

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Halloween Jokes Christmas Jokes One-Liner Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

One day Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger die and go to heaven. they see God in his throne and beside him is an empty seat. God says to them “Only one of you can have this seat. tell me why you believe you should have it.” Arnold says “I believe I deserve that seat because I have given back to the community and showed the importance of physical fitness.” Sylvester says “I believe I should have that seat because I have been a good role model by teaching people to stand up for themselves.” Chuck Norris then goes over to God, looks at him in the eyes and says, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

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Fitness jokes God Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes. The genie said, "For every wish you make, your wife gets two." The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two. Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double. The jealous husband said, "For my last wish, beat me half to death."

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Relationship Jokes Men jokes

Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone's mouth?

Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.

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Dentist Jokes

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains.
The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jеrк.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"
"I know, you idiот!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

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Aviation Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Weather jokes

Me: Staring contest. Go!
Me: O.O
Friend:
- .-
Me: I win! You blinked! Haha
Friend: You ваsтаrd, I'm asian!

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Friendship Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes

The Irish gave the Scots the Bagpipes as a cruel joke that was taken seriously.

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Music and Musician Jokes

The professor of a university was extremely busy explaining something important with regard to his subject to the students when a girl belonging to the same class arrived late at the door and said, "May I get in, sir?"

"Don't you think you're terribly late today?" said the angry professor to the girl.

The girl then said, "When I was coming to college, a boy was following me, sir."

"I hope he hasn't stalked you. Yet, why did you get late?" demanded the professor.

Without a moment hesitation the girl replied, "But, he was walking slowly, sir."

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College jokes School Jokes

The bartender asks:
"Would all three of you like some вееr?"
The first one replies, "I don't know."
The second one replies, "I don't know either."
The third replies, "Yes."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Math Jokes Beer Jokes

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

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