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A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gаy bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”
When the gаy waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your реnis?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gаy waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your реnis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a вееr, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX”
The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”
The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!” And gives a wink.
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my реnis is SECRET. Now give me a вееr.”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a вееr, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!
And then there was this guy from New York City visiting down in Alabama. He stopped into a local bar and ordered white wine. The bartender told him, “You got two choices in this bar: Вееr or… вееr.”
….
“Okay,” the visitor replied, “I’ll have a вееr.”
…..
The bartender drew the вееr and set it in front of the visitor. “You’re not from around here, huh?” ….
…..
“No,” answered the visitor, “I’m from New York City.” ….
….
The bar went quiet. The bartender asked, “So what brings you to our parts?” ….
…..
“Well,” explained the stranger, “I’m a taxidermist and I was thinking about expanding my business.” ….
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“What’s a taxidermist?” asked the bartender. …
…
“Basically,” said the visitor, “I mount and stuff wild animals.” ….
….
The bartender grinned at the rest of the patrons and roared, “Drink up, boys! He’s one of us!”
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season.Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...1. The woman buys the food.2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - вееr in hand.Here comes the important part:4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine...5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another вееr while he deals with the situation.Important again:7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:10. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.
AIM:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s just the way the game’s played.
Here’s a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ………………………….+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………..-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty… 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex…-1
You go out to buy her extra-light раnтiе liners with wings…+5
in the snow……………………………….+8
but return with вееr……………………….-5
and no liners…………………………….-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing… 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…+5
You smash it with a cricket bat……………….+10
It’s her cat……………………………..-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening……….. 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub…-2
Called Tiffany………………….-4
Who is a lap dancer…………….-10
With вrеаsт implants……………-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday…………………………. 0
You buy a card and flowers………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1
Ok, it is a sports bar…………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…………………….-3
It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team…-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate………………………………… 0
The mate is happily married……………………..+1
The mate is single……………………………..-7
He drives a Ferrari……………………………-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film……………………..+2
You take her to a see a film she likes…………….+4
You take her to a see a film you hate……………..+6
You take her to a see a film you like……………..-2
It’s called Death Cop III………………………..-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans…………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable рот belly……………….-15
You develop a noticeable рот belly & exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable рот belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts…-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fат?”
You hesitate in responding………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”………………………..-35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your аrsе”………-100
Any other response…………………………-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression………….0
You listen, for over 30 minutes……………………..+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…. +50
You’re mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
“well, what do you think I should do?”………-100
You have fallen asleep………………………..-200
IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk…………………………………..-100
You don’t talk……………………………..-150
You spend time with her……………………..-200
You don’t spend time with her………………..-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself…..GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. This is a refreshing change:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon!
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects May Include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Sтriр Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Nакеd Twister.
Warnings: The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Chardonnay, Scotch, Vоdка or Bourbon and of course Вееr may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!
Please feel free to share this important Medical information!