Beer Jokes - Page 14

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Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven and Fallon goes to hеll. One day Norris looks down at Fallon in hеll. Fallon has a вееr in his hand and a blonde on his lap. Norris gets рissеd off so he goes to God and says, "What is this shiт? I think I want to go to hеll! Just look at my friend down there." God says, "Look closer, the вееr has a hole in the bottom and the blonde doesn't."

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An Englishman, Scotsman and Welshman walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of Brain’s but, as they’re served, a fly lands in each pint.
The Englishman immediately pushes his вееr away in disgust.
The Scotsman thinks for a few seconds, shrugs, and also pushes the pint away.
The Welshman turns bright red, picks the fly out of the вееr and holds it over his glass shouting: “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!”

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When my wife came home last Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me asleep on the couch having done nothing but drink вееr and watch telly all day, she yelled, “Watch yourself, Mister, or you’re going to make me do something I don’t want to do.”
I thought, “I can’t believe it - I’m going to get a fuскing вlоw job out of this!”

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A Cowboy buys a вееr as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him.
There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly grawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead…
At the cowboys hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy, “Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead.
“Well, the cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad”
“What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to кill him”?, asked the Judge.
“Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Аss…”

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Fаrт Glossary:
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your аrsе.
TIRE FART= You can't control the вlоw out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm вееr.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your аss is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fаrт, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fаrт that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Gross Jokes Fart Jokes Beer Jokes

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free вееr if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano.
He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a вееr."
The man finishes his вееr and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free вееr?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another вееr.
As the man is drinking his вееr, another man rushes over and says "Holy shiт, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog.
The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."

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I think, with overpopulation, it would be nice if we could find a way to encourage vasectomies, make them fun, so guys will do it. Don't even say 'vasectomy,' just put a bunch of вееr on ice and call them 'sреrм retirement parties.'

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The bartender asks:
"Would all three of you like some вееr?"
The first one replies, "I don't know."
The second one replies, "I don't know either."
The third replies, "Yes."

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a вееr before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a вееr. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another вееr. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a вееr. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another вееr before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You ваsтаrd! You waltz in here, flop your fат аss down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slаvе. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shiт, it started!”

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A Pakistani drinks his вееr and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his вееr, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
Sardarji, cool as a cucumber, picks up his вееr and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi.
He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

In a saloon in the old West, a large crowd of cowboys was drinking and carousing with the dance hall girls. In walked a greenhorn Easterner, a dry goods supplier from New York. He sat down at the bar and ordered a вееr. Just then a boy ran in from outside through the swinging doors, completely out of breath. The crowd stopped what they were doing and stared at him.

“Big John’s in town,” the boy said, gasping.

In less than a minute, the entire crowd, except for the greenhorn, tumbling over one another, rushed out, including the bartender and everyone else who worked at the saloon, leaving the place completely empty and in disarray. The greenhorn realized that he should probably go, too. So he quickly downed the remainder of his вееr, grabbed ahold of his sample case and started for the door.

Unfortunately, before he could reach it, another cowboy walked in, blocking his way. The man was huge, almost seven feet tall and muscular, with a face that was menacing, rugged and scarred. Hanging from his belt were two large six-shooters that had obviously seen plenty of action. The Easterner, frozen in fear, stood glued to the spot, unable to speak.

The huge man, towering over him, then glared at the greenhorn and said in a, deep, gravelly voice, “You drink with me.”

The greenhorn saw this as an order, not an invitation. So he walked over with the man, his heart pounding, fearing for his life, then sat down at the bar next to the cowboy, who then proceeded to pour each of them a whiskey. The massive cowpoke quickly downed his drink, wiped his face with his sleeve then stood up and started walking towards the door.

“Can’t stay,” he said, “ Big John’s in town.”

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