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How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and вlоw down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a вееr to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hеll and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
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A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset.
His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes.
Bought things from the shop.
The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet.
Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him."
The manager looks around.
"We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here"
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out.
"Go and bring me a вееr from the fridge", he asks.
The centipede got to work straight away.
"Go and run a bath for me.“
The centipede did as asked once again.
The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please.“
The centipede does this.
An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop.
"I thought I told you to go to the shop?"
The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"
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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink вееr or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”
“No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.”
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shiт if you live to be 80?”
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There was three guys a sеx addict a wееd addict and a alcoholic they all went to hеll for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sеx addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of вееr, the wееd addict locked in a room full of wееd.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sеx addict he comes out saying "Aww my diск hurts I'm never having sеx again", рооf back to earth.
Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having вееr", and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the wееd addicts room and the Wееd addict punches the Devil in the face and says "you forgot my lighter вiтсh!"
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A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic вееr bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic вееr bottle and rubbed it.
Poof.
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
60 εκατοστά So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”. Странник влиза в пиано-бар и казва на бармана: A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer."... En man kom in på en bar och gick fram till bardisken och satte upp en liten man på disken. Bartendern frågade, - Vad får det lova att vara? Mannen svarar, - Jag vill ha en öl, men kan min korte lille vän, få spela på pianot? - Javisst, svarar bartendern. Den lilla mannen går fram till... Un signore cammina per la città tenendo in mano una gabbia con dentro un ometto di 30 centimetri che fa un gran rumore; quando incontra un amico subito si sente domandare: "Che cos'hai nella... En man kom in på en bar med en liten väska som han öppnade. Ut kom en 30 cm lång pianist som satte sej och började spela på sitt medhavda piano. Bartendern frågade varifrån han hade fått tag på... Baariin asteli mies, joka kysyi baarimikolta: - Tarjoatko ryypyn, jos näytän sinulle jotain ihmeellistä? - Hyvä on, mutta sen täytyy sitten olla todella ihmeellistä. Silloin mies otti taskustaan... A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in... Ein Mann besucht seinen Freund und findet ihn im Wohnzimmer am Tisch sitzend. Unter dem Tisch befindet sich ein 30 cm Tennisfeld auf welchem sich gerade Agassi und Becker ein heißes Match liefern....
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Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a вееr and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold вееr and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Ваве, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch."
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment."
He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
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So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.
The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a вееr.”
So of course the bar tender gets the man a вееr, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano.
The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”
The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another вееr.”
So the bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”
The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another вееr.”
The man says “Oh, Okay!”
The bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”
The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!”
And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”
60 εκατοστά Странник влиза в пиано-бар и казва на бармана: A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?" A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer."... En man kom in på en bar och gick fram till bardisken och satte upp en liten man på disken. Bartendern frågade, - Vad får det lova att vara? Mannen svarar, - Jag vill ha en öl, men kan min korte lille vän, få spela på pianot? - Javisst, svarar bartendern. Den lilla mannen går fram till... Un signore cammina per la città tenendo in mano una gabbia con dentro un ometto di 30 centimetri che fa un gran rumore; quando incontra un amico subito si sente domandare: "Che cos'hai nella... En man kom in på en bar med en liten väska som han öppnade. Ut kom en 30 cm lång pianist som satte sej och började spela på sitt medhavda piano. Bartendern frågade varifrån han hade fått tag på... Baariin asteli mies, joka kysyi baarimikolta: - Tarjoatko ryypyn, jos näytän sinulle jotain ihmeellistä? - Hyvä on, mutta sen täytyy sitten olla todella ihmeellistä. Silloin mies otti taskustaan... A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in... Ein Mann besucht seinen Freund und findet ihn im Wohnzimmer am Tisch sitzend. Unter dem Tisch befindet sich ein 30 cm Tennisfeld auf welchem sich gerade Agassi und Becker ein heißes Match liefern....
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Бях вчера в "Халбите" с жена и казах "Обичам те". Ο σύζυγος αράζει στη βεράντα μαζί με τη γυναίκα του πίνοντας μπύρα. Αφού έχει πιει αρκετές, σπάει την ησυχία λέγοντας: Седят си мъж и жена му на верандата и се наслаждават на прекрасен залез... Мъжът тихо прошепва: - Обичам те.... Жена му саркастично го пита... - Ти ли говориш или бирата..? Мъжа отговаря.. - Аз говоря ... на бирата..... Мъжът: "Обичам те! " Жената: " Ти ли го казваш или бирата? " Мъжът: " Аз го казвам на бирата." Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant. We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always... Following conversation took place between husband and wife in a cafe. Husband: I love you. Wife: Is that you talking or the wine? Husband: I was talking to the wine.
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunк.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunк that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undrеssing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunк last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking вееr.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a wееd-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a wееd-eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a wееd-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a wееd-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a quееr."
Един студент си кара по магистралата и по едно време го спира полицай: Пърси среща Краб и го пита: Professor of Logic Το βιβλίο της λογικής.. Λογική Λογική των Συνειρμών Ήταν μια φορά ο Πέτρος και βλέπει το φίλο του τον Κώστα σκεφτικό. — Чем это ты так зачитался? Lá ia o Manoel pela rua e encontra o seu amigo brasileiro. Este esta lendo um livro. - Que livro estas a ler? - E um livro de Lógica. - E o que e lógica? Pergunta o Português. - E o seguinte: responde o Brasileiro procurando um exemplo, O que você tem ai nesse saco? - Comida para peixes.... Ein Gespräch an der Bar, ein Mann, ein Fremder Sie sind Logiker??? Was ist denn das??? O.k. ich erklärs: Hast du ein Aquarium? Ja. Dann sind bestimmt Fische drinnen! Ja... Wenn Fische drinnen sind, magst du bestimmt auch Tiere!? Ja... Wenn du Tiere magst, dann magst du bestimmt auch Kinder!? Ja.... O português Manoel vai passando em frente a uma livraria e vê um amigo saindo com um livro debaixo do braço. — Que livro é esse? — ele pergunta, curioso. — Um livro sobre lógica. — Lógica?! O que é... temel trt1 de bir yarışmaya katılır ve kazanır. kendisine bir kitap hediye edilir. kitabın adı da "düz mantık" tır. temel hediyeyi alırken sorar; - bu kitapta ne yaziyo? - okuyunca ogrenirsin... -... C'est l'histoire d'un jeune homme qui rencontre un vieil ami. - Salut Patrick, que deviens-tu ? - Maintenant je suis prof de logique. - Ah ! Et c'est quoi ? - Je vais t'expliquer : t'as un aquarium... Шефот изнервиран дека неговите полицајци се глупави им вика: – Сакам утре сите да ми кажете што е тоа логика! И иде еден цајкан дома, мисли мисли, па ја прашува жена му. – Абе жено, што е тоа... Een Belg en een Nederlander zitten samen in het café en raken aan de praat. De Belg vraagt: "Wat studeer je eigenlijk?" Waarop de Nederlander antwoordt: "Ik studeer logica." "Maar wat is dat dan?"... Stefano incontra Marco dopo molto tempo che non si vedevano: - Ciao Stefano come va? Finto di studiare??? - Si  si, sono diventato psicologo! allora Marco chiede: 'psicologo? che cos’è uno... C'est l'histoire d'un mec qui rentre dans son village après des années passer a la ville. Et là, il croise un de ses vieux copains : - Tiens ça fais longtemps qu'ont t'avais pas vu dans le coin !... Un tano lee un libro de lógica y un gallego le pregunta: - ¿Qué es eso? - Un libro de lógica... - ¿Y para qué sirve? - Te lo explico con un ejemplo: ¿Te gusta el CAFÉ? - Sí. - Entonces te gusta el... Turkulainen oli juttusilla espoolaisen kanssa, kun espoolainen käytti sanaa "logiikka". "Mikä semmone logiikka o?" kysyi turkulainen. "No", sanoi espoolainen, "Otetaas esimerkki. Onko sulla... Jef, Eddy en Karel zijn 3 vrienden die elkaar al sinds hun middelbare school niet meer zijn tegengekomen. Op een dag komt Jef Eddy tegen. Jef: "Da's lang geleden Eddy. Alles goed met je?" Eddy:... Un homme rencontre un vieil ami dans la rue : - Oh, salut Marcel , ça fait longtemps qu'on s'est pas vus ! tu fais quoi maintenant comme métier ? - Ah salut Albert , je fais ingénieur -logicien . -... Un politist care dorea sa ajunga la sectie,se urca intren alaturi de un domn care citea cu insistenta o carte. La un moment dat,politistul,nemai putandu-se abtine,il intreaba pe calator: - Bai... - Tudod te, mi a logika? - kérdi a rendőr a társától. - Micsoda? - Na majd megmagyarázom. Van neked akváriumod? - Van... - Ebből logikusan következik, hogy te szereted az állatokat. Így van? - Így.... O Joaquim com um aquário na mão passa em frente à um homem sentado em uma praça que lia um livro. Então pergunta: — Sobre o que fala esse livro? — Sobre lógica! — E o que é lógica? — Veja; Você tem... Dopo tanto tempo due amici si rincontrano: "Ciao Carlo!!Come stai?".... "Io bene e tu ?"... "Ma tutto bene... ma a proposito tu che lavoro fai.. sai non ci siamo più visti e lo volevo saperlo"...... Sandro ha un nuovo libro. Luigi gli chiede: - "Che libro è??" - "È un libro di logica" - "E che vuol dire??" - "Per esempio, tu a casa hai un acquario?" - "Si" - "A cosa pensi quando vedi... Jde mladý policajt po chodbě a potká starého s knížkou po boku. Mladý se ho ptá: „Co je to za knížku?” „To je logika.” „Aha, a na co to je?” „No, vysvětlím ti to na příkladě: Máš doma akvárium?”... A rendőr éppen logikát tanul a rendőriskolában, de nem érti, ezért megkéri az egyik barátját, hogy magyarázza el neki. A barát el is vállalja, s megpróbálja rávezetni a rendőrt. - Van akváriumod ?... Гледа пајкан некој студент со ептен дебела книга во рацете. Му приоѓа на студентот и му почнуе муабет: Пандур: Што ќе ти бе таа книга? Атентати да не извршуеш со неа? Мислиш дека си паметен а…... Een man vraagt aan een andere man: Weet jij wat logica is? Zegt de andere man: Ja.. maar het is moeilijk uit te leggen.. Nou.. heb jij een aquarium thuis? Ja, zegt de ander. Dan heb je dus vissen?... Treffen sich zwei Freunde nach langer Zeit wieder. Anton: "Ja, hallo Bernd, wie gehts denn so?" - Bernd: "Aja schon OK, ich bin jetzt übrigens Bäcker, und du?" - "Du, ich studier' Jetzt Logik!" -...
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