Food Jokes - Page 29

1/ A budding poet trying his best…
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some ваsтаrd stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
2/ Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this…
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
3/ Someone who had a different experience wrote,
You’re lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fаrт,
And shiт my pants!
4/ Perhaps it’s true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shiт and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
5/ There are also people who come in for a different purpose…
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shiт and stink,
But I come here to scratch my ваlls,
And read the вullshiт on the walls …
6/ Toilet walls also double as job advertisement space……. (written high upon the wall)
If you can рiss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.
7/ Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please
8/ On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance .
9/ And finally, this should teach some a lesson… Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food…please aim properly .

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THINGS I HAVE BEEN PONDERING
….
** Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
…
** If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
…
** Why doesn’t a clever marketer come up with a mouse-flavored cat food?
….
** Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
….
** Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
…
** Is Disney World really a people trap operated by a mouse?

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Food Jokes Philosophy Jokes

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist yells back, "There is no God."

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord."

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God."

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Sатаn pay for the groceries!"

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Religion jokes God Jokes Food Jokes Atheist Jokes Christian Jokes American Presidents Humor

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."

Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing"? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Farmer Jokes Coffee Jokes

An Asian walks into a McDonald's and says, "I'll Have An Eggroll and Some Fry Rye."
"I'm sorry sir we don't serve that. Would you like anything else?"
"I have quarter pounder. And when would you like to pick that up...Hiroshima!"

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Asian jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Communication Jokes

Gym Manager: I went for a run the other day, and covered 20 miles
Personal Trainer: I went for a run the other day, and covered 30 miles
Cleaner: I had some Mexican food the other day, and I’ve had the runs all week

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Fitness jokes Food Jokes Boss Jokes

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shiт mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fuскing Fruit Loops."

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Old People Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave.
"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

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Military Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes

Two boiled eggs in a pan, one says "Hot in here in it", other says "You think it's hot in here, wait till you get outside they smash your head in."

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Dark Humor Jokes Food Jokes

Man:
"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:
"Unfertilized."

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again.
This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

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News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A guy is going down on a рrоsтiтuте.
During the process he pulls out a piece of corn.
Mildly disgusted, he tries to forget about it and continues.
Then he finds a chunk of carrot and a pea, and he says, "I think I am going to be sick."
The whоrе looks up and says, "That's what the last guy said!"

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: Why won't Easter eggs go out at night?
A: They don't want to get "beat up".

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Easter Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Food Jokes

Yo mama so fат the only liquor she knows is liquorice.

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Fat Jokes Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes

What are Women Really Thinking?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?
And your point is?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes Coffee Jokes

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

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Chocolate Jokes Food Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

My dental hygienist is cute.
Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

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Dentist Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Little Johnny was always late for school.
When asked why he said he had to eat his popsicle.
Without thinking the teacher told him to eat half his popsicle and save the other half in his pocket.
Next day Johnny was on time.
The teacher had history class.
"What are the people in Asia called", she asked a student.
"Asians", said the student.
"What are the people in Africa called".
"Africans" said the student.
Then she asked Johnny, "What are the people in Europe called", but Johnny didn't know so the girl behind him whispered, "Euro pean."
To that Johnny said, "No I'm not, that's just my popsicle."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Food Jokes Asian jokes Africa Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

Instagram now permits video uploads. So now you can not only upload a picture of your food, but a video of it going into your mouth.

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Food Jokes Social Network Jokes

Your family is so poor, you all Instagram the same plate of food.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Insult Jokes Food Jokes Social Network Jokes