Friendship Jokes

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.
One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?
I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.
What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies,
"My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

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If Operating Systems were вееr..
DOS Вееr:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Вееr:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" вееr. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 95 Вееr:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Вееr's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Вееr. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of вееr in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Вееr until their friends try Windows 95 Вееr and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS вееr, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

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Computer Jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

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Friendship Jokes Attitude Jokes

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.
After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun “Will you have sеx with me?”
The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off.
The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop. Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out.
He said to the young man, “I know that nun. Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God’s request.
Just tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sеx with you.” This gave the hippie great hope.
That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun “I am Jesus
Christ, will you have sеx with me?” Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. “I just have one request,” said the nun, “it has to be аnаl sеx, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood.” The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sеx.
When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hемр nacklaces. “HA HA!! I’m not Jesus, I’m the hippie!” He exclaimed.
Much to the young man’s surprise, the nun took off her habit, revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled “HA HA! I’m not the nun, I’m the bus driver!”

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God Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Friendship Jokes

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s раnтiеs. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Man to friend: ‘My wife’s a peach.’ Friend: ‘Because she’s so soft and juicy?’
Man: ‘No, because she has a heart of stone.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

I have a friend who is gаy and one thing always made me curious, so I eventually came straight out and asked him:
“how did you become gаy in the first place?
Well, he said, when I was about 12, a man followed me into the woods and rареd me.
Why didn’t you try to run away?
“What he said In high heels?”

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Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Friendship Jokes

First friend:
"I am getting so tired of having to wade through so much Spam e-mail. Every time I sign on to get my e-mail I have to discard 20 Spam messages."
Second friend:
"I used to be in exactly the same situation: 20 Spam messages every time I signed on. But I solved that. Now I only get ONE every time I sign on."
First friend:
"That's terrific. How did you do that?"
Second friend:
"I sign on 20 times more."

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Computer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Things have reached crisis point in Beryl’s marriage.
‘If things are so bad,’ her friend advises her.
‘Then you should leave your husband.’
‘I would,’ says Beryl.
‘If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

Redneck was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Anant, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," Redneck replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Anant said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah, sure," Redneck answered. "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!"

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Redneck jokes Friendship Jokes

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, ‘That’s my nextdoor neighbour. He’s an alcoholic!’
One of her friends asks, ‘How do you know that?’
The woman replies, ‘Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part I
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Computer Jokes USA Jokes Friendship Jokes Boss Jokes

After 30 years of marriage Jane as all women do started nagging to John her husband that he does not love her anymore and told him John why don't you go to get some advice from our friend the Bishop so you will love me more. Well John thought if I go to the Bishop I will drink some of his good wine and went.
When he came back he saw his wife at door, then he went up to her and lifted her and carried her from one room to other. She was really pleased with this gesture and asked What did Bishop tell you.
Well he told me go and carry your Cross and wonder who is my cross?

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes Wine jokes

My friend has just been caught stealing in Saudi Arabia for the second time, which is grim.
But on the bright side, nobody can call him a wan-ker anymore

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Friendship Jokes Criminal Jokes

A wife returns late at night back home.
"Where have you been?" asks her husband.
"With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men."
One day later the husband returns back home late.
"Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms from a new box of twelve.
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
“What happened to the other four condoms?” she asked.
His nervous reply was, “Errrr…, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a соndом before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes Masturbation jokes

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told the guy he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked,
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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Money jokes Men jokes Business jokes Friendship Jokes Boss Jokes

My friend (Well a former friend now) “fixed me up” with a blind date last weekend. …. and the audience - in unison - says “How bad was it?” ….
….
Well for starters, she was so ugly I swear she had been dragged through a large knothole backwards …
…
…And I’m pretty sure she has to sneak up on mirrors
…
If I had to guess, she likely works in the ER of a local hospital and when some guy comes in with a Viаgrа еrестiоn that has lasted four or more hours, well, one look at her and his willie would deflate -- poooof -- in seconds.

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Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes Viagra jokes

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
He notices a crate of вееr bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of вееr.
He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes