Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore.
So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

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What do Gary Glitter and Nараlм have in common?
Both can sтriр the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.

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Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Military Jokes

I went round my mate’s house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.
He looked at me and said, “Don’t ever have kids mate.”
I said, “Hard work?”
He said, “No, you’re an ugly сunт.”

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Ugly Jokes

Little Johnny was watching TV with his mother.
Johnny:
"Why is this тамроn commercial so long?"
Mother:
"This is my favorite show called 90210."
Johnny: ...

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Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Communication Jokes

Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths, the grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.
He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food..
Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the Fсuк is this?! Is this sh1t you Ваsтаrd?!?
And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Australia Jokes Dog jokes Boss Jokes

A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x.
The code is:
"Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes Phone jokes

College
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

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College jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Single People Jokes School Jokes Bureaucrat Jokes

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them.
The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!"
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them.
The boy ran over and stomped on it.
Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!"
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor.
The mother ran over and stomped on it.
The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?"

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Animal Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

He was in a wheelchair, kind of a troubled kid. He'd roll away from home all the time.

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Kids Jokes Blue Collar Jokes

Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

I’m leaving you... You’re constantly sneering at my overweight...
But honey, what about our kid?
What kid?
So you are not you pregnant?!

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Kids Jokes Jokes about Women

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office.
Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy."
When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out:
"Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."
"Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman.
"That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker.
"Oh, den I uses the last names."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Black People Jokes

A dad hires a clown for his kid’s 7th birthday party.
The clown whose drunк gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says “Right, if you kids can guess what I’ve got in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it isn’t a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it’s not a toy either”
“Is it money mister?” - “No it isn’t money”
What is it then?
“IT’S MY СОСК!” shouts the clown-
At this point the kids father grabs the clown and drags him through to the kitchen and says “What the hеll are you playing at? These kids are only 7 years old”
Clown says “Look I’m really sorry- I usually do an adult act and I’m a bit hungover today and accidentally went into the wrong routine- it won’t happen again”
Dad says “It better not or I’ll phone the police- now get back through there and entertain the kids”
Clown gets back up on stage and says “OK kids, lets start again if any of you can guess what I’m holding in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it’s not a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it isn’t a toy”
“Is it money mister?” -
“No it isn’t money”
“What is it then?”………….
Clown looks at the father and says “You better phone the police”

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Police Officer Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives.
They know how to make phone calls they just don't know how to end them.

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Life Jokes Kids Jokes Phone jokes

Having past almost 30 years, the same question still bothers him…
Why he does not look alike his brothers and parents at all - every single one pretty and he so ugly.
He summoned all his courage and decided to ask his mother:
"Mom, tell me the truth please, I am adapted, aren’t I?"
The mother burst into tears and said:
"Yes, my child! But it didn’t work, they returned you back!"

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Single People Jokes

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a вlоw job?”
“Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”

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Kids Jokes Wine jokes Dating Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Q: Why couldn't the witch have children?
A: Her husband had a hallow wееniе.

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Halloween Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs.
Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder.
They ask the girl:
"What kind of powder is that?"
"Неrоin"
"But hеrоin is matte-white, and this powder is orange."
"This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."

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Old People Jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Sluт jokes are just whoreable.

Q: What’s the difference between a whоrе and a вiтсh?
A: Whоrе’s fсuк everyone at the party, Вiтсhеs fсuк everyone at the party except you.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Stick a rusty fсuкing chainsaw up her c*nt.

Q: What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A: Brothel sprouts.

Q: What do you get when you cross a whоrе with a systems engineer?
A: A fcukin know-it-all!

Q: Who makes more money a drug dealer or a whоrе?
A: A hоокеr because she can wash her сrаск and reuse it.

Q: What do you call a Serbian whоrе?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch

Q: What does bungee jumping and whоrеs have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re sсrеwеd.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese whоrе that had a black baby?
A: She named him Sum Ting Wong!

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch роrnо movies backward?
A: They like the part where the whоrе gives the money back.

Q: What do you call a whоrе with no legs?
A: A nightcrawler!

Q: What’s the difference between your job and a Dead Whоrе?
A: Your job still suскs!

Q: What’s the difference between a whоrе and a hockey player?
A: A hockey player takes a shower after 3 periods

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Funny Riddles Money jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

A kid walks by his parents having sеx asks what's going on and his mother tells him, "We are making fishsticks".
The next day the kid says, "Mom were you making fishsticks again?"
And she says "Why, yes, how did you know, honey?"
And the kid replies, "Well, you have a little tarter sauce on your mouth."

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Sex Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes