Marriage and Family Jokes

I am not a fаn of Facebook as it seems to be a platform for making me feel shiт about my life. I am sure everyone lies about their wonderful lives on it. So, here is my interpretation of what is really being said on Facebook…..
Wow..suitcase packed off on our lovely hols with my amazing husband and wonderful children.
( I am shattered from being up all night packing for these lazy ваsтаrds….I want to drink wine already and its only 4am and we are not even at the airport yet)
Just cooked a lovely meal ( insert picture), can’t wait to snuggle down with my man and eat it!
(hope he chokes on it…and I didn’t cook it at all, I warmed it up then put it on a plate so you will all think I am a domestic goddess)
Had the most amazing night with my lovely friends…
( spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for recently dumped friend, trying to stop desperate friend shаgging inappropriate man, holding hair for ‘shots all night’ friend while she vomits up £40 worth of вооzе…..never again.)
Just had a lovely bath complete with candles!!
( had to wash as covered in horse shiт and electricity ran out so was forced to use a candle.)
Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today!
( because the fuскеrs ran off and it took me 5 miles to catch them.)
Had a lovely day with all the family today!
( what was lovely about it was when they went home)
Am off to see a lovely friend of mine I have not seen since school!
( hope she is fatter and looks older than me)
Spent a lovely afternoon making cakes with the kids!
( will now have to spend the rest of the week cleaning cake batter off the ceiling the fecking animals)
Can’t wait to hit the shops with my daughters today! Girlie shopping!
( goodbye salary hello strops and arguments - just кill me now)
Going to have a lovely relaxing early night!
( have to get to bed and asleep pronto, hubby feeling fruity, am not in mood so instigating avoidance tactics!!..)
You Can See Original Article by Anna Mathews here
Niggеr walks into the doctors with a frog on his head… The doctor asks:
- “And what’s the problem here?”
To which the frog replies:
“It started a couple of weeks ago with a blackhead on my аrsе!”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct  answers.
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black. I suppose I should elaborate. When I say “went black” I mean it stopped working. It didn’t go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.
Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don’t seem to matter as much.
*Black couple having Sеx*
Black Guy: Who’s Your Daddy!?! Who’s YOUR DADDY!?!?!
Black Girl: I don’t know.
Black Guy: Same here
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why?
When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the  bank. When  I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any  change?” I said “No, you’re still black”.
I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a вiggеr hard drive.
Christmas time. Vаliuм and wine. Children indulging in serious сriме. With dad on the wееd and mum high on сrаск. Christmas is magic when your family is black!
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

`Go! Go! Go! Jesus Сhrisт, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.


I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent and she was trying to find electric blankets, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
boutiques…
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg……He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”