Men jokes - Page 45

A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch.
He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands.
The sales clerk says "you are suppose to read his lips."
He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run..."
He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch.
He asks the sales clerk how much.
The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax..."

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Did you hear about the man who spent too much of his company's money on Viаgrа?
Now he's hard up.

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Viagra jokes Money jokes Men jokes Business jokes

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.
Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.
"Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman.
"I've only got to make a will.
And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money?
I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

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Old People Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot.
He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Phone jokes

An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

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A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die."
So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?"
The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting."
So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

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Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No, you are not."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Dad Jokes

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

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John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

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Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the мisт. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That was easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

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Three blondes witness a сriме so they go to the police station to identify the suspect.
The police chief shows them the first mug shot.
"That's not him," the first blonde states.
"This man only has one eye."
The chief is stunned.
"He only has one eye because it's a profile shot."
He repeats the procedure for the second blonde.
"That's not him.This man only has one ear," she answers.
He smacks his head.
"It's a profile shot."
He repeats the procedure for the third blonde.
After viewing the photo, she says, "That's not him. This man is wearing contact lenses."
"How do you know that?"
"Well," she says, "he can't wear glasses with only one eye and one ear, now can he?"

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Boss Jokes

Three men are sitting nакеd in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings.
The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.

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Technology Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Phone jokes

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him.
I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are your celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said.
For my husband and I have been trying to have a child.
Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched соскs," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

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A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door.
He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper.
There was another knock, so he opened the door again.
This time, he looked down and saw a small snail.
"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said.
The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading.
A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail.
"What'd you do that for?"

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Animal Jokes Money jokes Men jokes American Presidents Humor

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom – I'll show you how."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes College jokes Management Jokes Graduation Jokes Stupid Jokes Boss Jokes

A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extremist kills American Dog.

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A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.
He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
“He holds on with his diск.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
“Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?”
“he came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked “And then”
“…and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”
“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a воnеr and fell off!”

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Pet Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Parrot jokes Cheating Jokes

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Life Jokes

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.
A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sеx.
The humans told the aliens how humans have sеx and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sеx of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

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A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunк in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunк promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

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