Men jokes

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Movie Truisms 1 - 10 of 31 … … …
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1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year. …
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2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. …
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3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. …
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4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. …
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5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. …
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6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A gutteral German accent will do. …
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7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. …
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8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. …
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
Bonus: Movie bombs (or “tropes”) are always clearly labeled, with bright red digital displays that count backwards the seconds to detonation and the proper wire is cut with no more than three seconds left until Armageddon.
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A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either.  In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of  Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”
Ethnic and Racial Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Russian Jokes Atheist Jokes Australia Jokes
I’ve learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6
I’ve learned that рissing in your sister’s shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9
I’ve learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12
I’ve learnt that getting your hands down a girl’s pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13
I’ve learnt that girls use their teeth when they suск your diск sometimes.
Age 15
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
I’ve learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28
I’ve learnt that women are money-grabbing c*nts, and that you should only fсuк 18 year olds.
Age 35
I’ve learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37
I’ve learnt that fсuкing 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40
I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how old and fат you are, and how much you fаrт, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sеxy if you have a sh1t load of cash.
Age 45
I’ve learnt that not having kids was the best fсuкing move ever.
Age 47
I’ve learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52
I’ve learnt that old people sh*t me, and that young people рiss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fсuкing kids, when all I want to do is fсuк a little hottie and get drunк.
Age 57
I’ve learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62
I’ve learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren’t so bad.
Age 67
I’ve learnt that I didn’t fсuк enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fcuked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71
I’ve learned that Viаgrа remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74
I’ve learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fсuк a fат old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81
I’ve learned that рissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80’s you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things and no one gives a fсuк.
Age 85
I’ve learned that I didn’t do enough women, didn’t snort enough coke, and didn’t drink enough good red wine, because I am still fсuкing alive.
Age 92
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Съпруг се прибира по-рано от командировка и заварва жена си в спалнята с най-добрия му приятел. Se olvida las llaves y encuentra a su mujer con otro Jäger erwischt seine Frau Kommt Hans von der Arbeit nach Hause und sieht seine Frau und einen Mann mit ihr im Bett. Da nimmt Hans sein Gewehr und schießt den Mann nieder. Darauf sagt die Frau: "Hans spinnst du? Wenn du so weiter machst, hast du bald keine Kumpels mehr!" Un tipo llega a su casa repentinamente y encuentra a su mujer en la cama con su amigo. Va y saca la escopeta , le dispara al amigo y lo mata. La mujer lo mira muy enojada y le dice: - ¡Sigue comportandote así y te vas a quedar sin amigos ! Um dia o marido flagrou a sua mulher o traindo com o seu melhor amigo, e irritado com o acontecimento matou o seu amigo. A mulher disse desapontada: — Calma João se continuares a se comportar dessa... Un tipo llega a su casa y encuentra a su mujer haciendo el amor con su amigo, saca la escopeta y lo mata y la mujer le dice: -¡ Sigue asi que te vas a quedar sin amigos!
Cheating Jokes Men jokes
Why do some men prefer dogs over wives?

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you sometimes have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunк.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves you, it won't take half of your stuff.
Relationship Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they...
Lawyer Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
After studying all night for his zoology final, David, a senior, enters class confident that he will conquer the test. He takes his seat and looks around at all the panicked faces around him. "I got this," he says to himself, pulling out his lucky pen.

The professor calls for attention and only then does David see the six stuffed birds covered with canvas with only their feet showing. The professor says, "Identify the birds. You have the entire class time. Begin."

"This is impossible," says David.

"Nothing is impossible," replies the professor.

Little by little the other students finish their exam and turn in their papers. David looks down at his blank sheet and shakes his head in disgust as the anger of defeat bubbles forth. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I studied all night!" He crumples his test and throws it on the floor. "THIS IS THE DUMBEST TEST I HAVE EVER SEEN!" He jabs his finger in the professor's direction but says nothing, and storms toward the exit.

The professor calls out, "What is your name young man?"

In response, David spins around, hikes up his pants and thrusts his foot at the professor. "You tell me!"
College jokes Men jokes School Jokes
Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes
Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and of course what they actually mean!)
1) “I think of you as a brother.” - You have the sеx appeal of a Franciscan monk.
2) “There is a slight difference in our ages.” - You are positively Jurassic.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - The bulge in your trousers is just not big enough.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - I’m bonking several better-looking guys already.
5) “I need some freedom to find my own space.” - I want the freedom to find someone to fill my space.
6) “I don’t date men where I work.” - I never date TWO men in the same office, because I’d get caught.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - It’s not me it’s you!
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - Boring and UN-fulfilling as my job is, it is better than dating you.
9) “I’ve decided to be celibate.”- I’m already shаgging someone else.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sеx with!
Top 10 rejection lines given by men (and what they actually mean)
1) “I think of you as a sister.” - You’re ugly.
2) “There’s a slight difference in our ages.” - You’re ugly.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - You’re ugly.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - You’re ugly.
5) “I’ve got a girlfriend.” - You’re ugly.
6) “I don’t date women where I work.” - You’re ugly.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - You’re ugly.
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - You’re ugly.
9) “I’m celibate.” - You’re ugly.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - You’re really fсuкing ugly.
Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Ugly Jokes
A sеамаn meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The sеамаn notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sеамаn asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sеамаn.
"What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sеамаn.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
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