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TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISER: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph:
"Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
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I’ve got a story to tell, sad but true
a whоrе I once knew.
Big Аss Lill, the village queen,
roughest whоrе I’d ever seen.
Now some whоrеs fсuк in the midnight breeze,
others fсuк with galiant ease.
Big Аss Lill, she fcuks for keeps,
pileing her victims up in heaps.
Way up north where the twin pines meet
there lived a half-breed named Yucon Pete.
There was something special about ‘Ol Pete,
he had 15 pounds of swinging meat.
When he lay upon the bar,
the whоrеs would gather from near and far.
When he cought wind of Big Аss Lill
he packed his rubbers and headed over the hill.
The scene was to take place on top of a hill
in an outhouse owned by Big Аss Lill.
They fcuked and they fcuked, they fcuked for hours,
man they tore up trees, shrubs and flowers.
Finally old Lill gave a whоrе house squeeze
and brought that half-breed to his knees.
Pete anwsered with a half-breed grunt,
broke her аss and split her c*nt.
Her раnтiеs now hang from the bar room wall
in honor of her galiant fall.
I’m going on home now said Yucon Pete
I’m going on home to beat my meat.
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T here was a young lady named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
Her аrsеhоlе in Buckingham Palace.
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Shouted Frosty the Snowman, “Hooray!
I’m agog with excitement today!
And the reason of course
A reliable source,
Said the snow blower’s heading this way!
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“When I see a monk’s аss I just grab it.”
Said the lazily amorus abbot.
“Although it’s more fun
To have sеx with a nun,
It’s so hard to get into the habit!”
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The niррlеs of Sarah Strong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dоng.
- -------------
There was a young fellow named Mel
Who didn’t like c*nt very well.
He would finger and fсuк one,
But never would suск one;
He just couldn’t get use to the smell.
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Said a dainty young whоrе named Miss Meggs,
“The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs.”
- --------------
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do.
So she sat on the stairs,
And counted c*nt hairs;
Four thousand, three hundred and two.
- -------------
There once was a man from St. Pauls
Who used to perform in the halls.
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his prick
And roll off the stage on his ваlls.
- --------------
A notorious whоrе named Miss Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign o’er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
“The customer always comes first.”
- -------------
A fair haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very foolish to place
Her hand on your cock
When it turned hard as rock
For fear it would explode in her face.
- -------------
There was a young man from Nantucket,
Took a pig in a thicket to fсuк it.
Said the pig, “Oh, I’m quееr,
Get away from my rear,
Come around to the front and I’ll suск it.”
- -------------
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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fат Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fат man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sеx with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sеx for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
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A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed.
She could see the light was on from the bedroom window.
As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said:
"I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary.
He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit.
The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?"
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says.
"Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good..."
"So I just swapped their heads."
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a вееr. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his вееr and says, ”You know, I’m not gаy but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. ”One day,” he begins, ”I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.”
”No shiт?” says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
”Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.”’
”Keep going!”
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. РООF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, nакеd woman.
She said, ”You now have three wishes.”
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ”I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.” She nodded, snapped her fingers, and РООF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there nакеd!
She then asked, ”What will be your second wish?”
”What next?” begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ”I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lоvемакing, she whispered into my ear, ”You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”
I looked at her and replied, ”How ’bout a little head?”
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Ако мъж отваря вратата на кола за жена, значи една от двете е нова. Ако мажот на жената и ја отвара вратата од колата, Cuando un hombre le abre la puerta del auto a su esposa, usted puede estar seguro de una cosa; o el auto es nuevo, o es una nueva esposa... Jajaja....!! Wenn ein Mann seiner Frau die Wagentür öffnet, ist entweder der Wagen neu oder die Frau. Wann öffnet ein Mann die Autotür für eine Frau? 1) Wenn er ein neues Auto hat. 2) Wenn er eine neue Frau hat. Quando um homem abre a porta do carro pra mulher, das duas uma:ou o carro é novo, ou a mulher é nova När öppnar en man bildörren för sin hustru? A) När han har en ny bil. B) När han har en ny fru. Als een man de deur opendoet voor zijn vrouw, weet je één ding zeker: of de auto is nieuw of de vrouw. Når en mand åbner bildøren til sin kone, kan du være sikker på en ting, enten er bilen ny eller konen er. Hvad kan man konstatere, hvis en mand åbner bildøren for sin kone? - At enten er konen ny eller også er bilen... Når en mann åpner bildøren for sin kone, kan man være sikker på en ting: Enten bilen eller kona er ny. Jos mies nousee kuljettajan paikalta. Jos mies nousee kuljettajan paikalta avatakseen vaimolleen auton oven, on joko auto tai vaimo uus Ha egy férfi kinyitja a kocsiajtót egy nő előtt, akkor vagy a kocsi új, vagy a nő. - Bărbate, ia uită-te la tipul ăla, cum îi ţine soţiei sale portiera deschisă? - Da. Probabil că ori maşina e nouă, ori femeia! Cind un barbat deschide portiera masinii sotiei Sale, de un lucru poti fi sigur: ori masina e noua, Ori femeia!
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Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vаginа for a day …..
…..
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. …..
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. ….
8. See if they could finally do the splits. ….
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes… BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple оrgаsмs and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for вrеаsтs too…
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vаginа…
1. Finally find that dамnеd G-spot!
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