Monday jokes

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Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A вееr gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sеx. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can кill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a вееr bottle. Same work....more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don't mooch off others' desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. ESPN's sports center. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirтy old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So... notice anything different?" Baywatch There is always a game on somewhere.
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Monday jokes Hotel Jokes Beer Jokes
Office and Work Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes
You can never tell which way the train went by lookingat the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrongconclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damnfool discovers something which either abolishes thesystem or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what theydo not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wroteprograms, then the first woodpecker that came alongwould destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inverselywith the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as itelectrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less andless until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universeand he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet painton it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept andthe hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed finalinspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires acomputer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent aboutanything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishablefrom magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach acrashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss puttingin an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don'tknow who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to makethings difficult for the fabricator and impossible forthe serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job willtake the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hеll of a lot more is saidthan done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which isobsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three partswhich are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to haveevolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, trymultiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even moreunreliable. Any system which depends on humanreliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down thatmight go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions ofpressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and othervariables the organism will do as it dамn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the oddsthat the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. Thecorrect total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. onMonday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where ititches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolvingdoor.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrongthe one that will cause the most damage will be the oneto go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the leastaccessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicatedway.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a foolwill want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inverselyproportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
Programmer Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT--
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.
"When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.
Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunк driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunк driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
Military Jokes Banker Jokes Monday jokes
Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in 'The Villages'' Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes andbelt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosserto share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Monday jokes Friday jokes Grandparent Jokes
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong ваlls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong ваlls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black ваlls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
School Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes
След фирмен купон мъж със страхотен махмурлук пита жена си: Streit mit dem Chef Après une soirée privée chez son patron, un homme se lève avec une gueule de bois certaine et un mal de crâne insupportable. Il dit à sa femme : - Oh là, là… Qu'est-ce que j'ai pu boire hier ! Et...
Christmas Jokes Monday jokes Coffee Jokes
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hеll. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hеll. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hеll.Counselor: Неll's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?Guy: Sure, I love to drink.Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, ruм, tequila, вееr, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gаy? Guy: Well, no I'm not.Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...
Mann kommt in Hölle. Eines Tages starb ein Mann und fand sich in der Hölle wieder. Wie er in Verzweiflung durch die Hölle wandelte traf er zum ersten Mal den Teufel. Teufel: Warum bist du so... Un gars meurt et se retrouve en enfer. Vraiment il ne comprend pas pourquoi et ça l'attriste. Alors qu'il est en face du gardien des portes de l'enfer (ça doit être Zoul ou l'équivalent de St... Στην κόλαση κάθε Πέμπτη A week in Hell Un uomo muore e va all'inferno. Dopo circa un paio d'ore che se ne sta in disparte a brontolare un diavoletto lo avvicina e gli chiede perchè è cosi triste e sconsolato. L'uomo risponde: ' -... Villaggio turistico in una bella isola tropicale. Un distinto signore si presenta all’animatore del villaggio che gli da’ il benvenuto e gli illustra il programma della settimana: “Salve! Ben... João morreu e foi parar no inferno. Em clima de desespero, ele teve o primeiro contato com o Diabo: — Porque você está tão triste cara? — O que você quer? Estou no inferno! — O inferno não é tão... O sujeito morre e vai para o inferno. Ao vê-lo com ar entristecido, o Diabo apressa-se em apresentar-lhe as coisas boas. — Às segundas-feiras, nós fazemos aqui o Dia da Bebida... uísque, vinhos,... Phil wordt wakker in de hel en hij is een beetje slechtgehumeurd. Satan loopt voorbij en spreekt hem hierop aan. Satan: "Awel waarom zo'n lang gezicht?" Phil: "Wat denk je; ten eerste: ik ben dood;... En mand er lige død og står udenfor helvedes dør, og venter på at fanden lukker op. Døren bliver åbnet og fanden ønsker ham velkommen og byder ham indenfor til en introduktion om helvede. “Ryger du... En gammel feinschmecker er død, og til hans fortrydelse er det ikke Skt. Peter men djævelen der ta'r imod ham... Det brokker han sig jo lidt over, men djævelen har jo sit på det tørre og spørger -... Egy csávó meghal, és a pokolba kerül. Nagyban szomorkodik, amikor megjelenik előtte egy ördög: - Hát te mér' szomorkodsz? - Most legyek boldog, hogy a pokolban vagyok? - Figyelj! Szereted a piát? -... Moare un tip si ajunge in Iad. Vazandu-se acolo, il bufneste plansul Si in vreme ce hohotea asa, vine la el un Dracusor: - Ce faci ba, de ce plangi Asa? - Pai am ajuns in Iad. O sa ma Ardeti si o...
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes Beer Jokes
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!", the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
Car and driving jokes Military Jokes Monday jokes Superhero Jokes
Valentine's Day Jokes Monday jokes
Monday jokes
CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
Monday jokes
Car and driving jokes Monday jokes
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
Петък вечер старец и доста млада A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out... Contributed by Aaron Ray A balding, white haired gentleman from St. Augustine Beach, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past last Friday evening with a beautiful ... much younger gal... Un hombre entra, acompañado de una preciosa chica, en una tienda super exclusiva. El hombre (dirijiéndose al vendedor) dice: - Por favor, muéstrele a la señorita el más fino abrigo de visón de la tienda. El vendedor regresa con un maravilloso abrigo e imediatamente la joven se lo prueba. ¡Le... нью-йорк. в самый крутой магазин по продаже изделий из меха заходит... Мужик с потрясной телкой заходят в один из самых дорогих меховых магазинов на Беверли Хиллс. Freitag Abend, 18 h, betritt ein 80 jähriger den Edeljuwelier in Frankfurt… In Begleitung eine 30 jährige blonde Schönheit mit geilem Rahmen… Der Juwelier fragt freundlich nach wie er denn helfen... Un homme arrive chez Cartier, Place Vendôme à Paris, en compagnie d'une jeune femme splendide, et ensemble, ils choisissent un bijou de 50 000 euros pour elle. Au moment de payer, l'homme sort son... Ο Λαλαούνης Um sujeito entra numa loja de peles com uma loira espetacular. Ele diz ao vendedor: — Quero que você dê a esta moça a mais linda estola de pele que você tiver nesta loja. O vendedor mostra algumas... Een heer komt binnen bij Cartier, Place Vendome in Parijs. Hij is vergezeld van een beeldmooie vrouw en samen kiezen ze een juweel van 50.000 € voor haar. Op het moment dat er moet betaald... Een wat oudere man, 65+, loopt een juwelierszaak binnen met aan zijn arm een beauty van een jonge dame. Hij zegt tegen de juwelier dat hij iets speciaals zoekt voor zijn vriendin. De juwelier kijkt... Egy férfi bemegy a barátnőjével egy elegáns boltba. A hölgy kiválaszt egy bundát, felpróbálja. A férfi megkérdezi az eladót: - Mennyibe kerül ez a bunda? - 25000 dollár. - Jó, akkor kiállítok egy...
Money jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday, you may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Петък вечер старец и доста млада A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for hisgirlfriend. The jeweler... Contributed by Aaron Ray A balding, white haired gentleman from St. Augustine Beach, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past last Friday evening with a beautiful ... much younger gal... Un hombre entra, acompañado de una preciosa chica, en una tienda super exclusiva. El hombre (dirijiéndose al vendedor) dice: - Por favor, muéstrele a la señorita el más fino abrigo de visón de la tienda. El vendedor regresa con un maravilloso abrigo e imediatamente la joven se lo prueba. ¡Le... нью-йорк. в самый крутой магазин по продаже изделий из меха заходит... Мужик с потрясной телкой заходят в один из самых дорогих меховых магазинов на Беверли Хиллс. Freitag Abend, 18 h, betritt ein 80 jähriger den Edeljuwelier in Frankfurt… In Begleitung eine 30 jährige blonde Schönheit mit geilem Rahmen… Der Juwelier fragt freundlich nach wie er denn helfen... Un homme arrive chez Cartier, Place Vendôme à Paris, en compagnie d'une jeune femme splendide, et ensemble, ils choisissent un bijou de 50 000 euros pour elle. Au moment de payer, l'homme sort son... Ο Λαλαούνης Um sujeito entra numa loja de peles com uma loira espetacular. Ele diz ao vendedor: — Quero que você dê a esta moça a mais linda estola de pele que você tiver nesta loja. O vendedor mostra algumas... Een heer komt binnen bij Cartier, Place Vendome in Parijs. Hij is vergezeld van een beeldmooie vrouw en samen kiezen ze een juweel van 50.000 € voor haar. Op het moment dat er moet betaald... Een wat oudere man, 65+, loopt een juwelierszaak binnen met aan zijn arm een beauty van een jonge dame. Hij zegt tegen de juwelier dat hij iets speciaals zoekt voor zijn vriendin. De juwelier kijkt... Egy férfi bemegy a barátnőjével egy elegáns boltba. A hölgy kiválaszt egy bundát, felpróbálja. A férfi megkérdezi az eladót: - Mennyibe kerül ez a bunda? - 25000 dollár. - Jó, akkor kiállítok egy...
Blonde Jokes Monday jokes