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An angel appears at a College faculty meeting and tells the Dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the Dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the Dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The Dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly рissеd off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer
my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of вооzе can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ….”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that fuскing nun out there again!
An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada.
Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called.
But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke:
"Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!"
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke:
"OK, chief, but why so much?"
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby.
A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky...
The tribe signals:
"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"
FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe or America : ruled by a diск…
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hary and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her c*nt with a terrier.
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The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool
And took out his тооl,
And said, “If I play, will you sing?”
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There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whоrе from a grave.
She was moldy and sh1tty,
And only had one titty
But look at the money he saved!
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A lady who lives in Madras
Has a truly magnificent аss.
It is not round and pink,
As you probably think,
But is grey, has long ears, and eats grass.
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My back aches, my рussy is sore,
I simply can’t fсuк any more,
I’m covered with sweat,
And you haven’t come yet,
And my God, it’s a quarter to four!
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Said a dainty young whоrе named Miss Meggs,
“The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs.”
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There was a young fellow named Rummy
Who delighted in whipping his duммy.
He played pocket pool
With his happy old tool
Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy
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There once was a man from Madras
whose ваlls were spun out of brass
When he rubbed them together
They played “Stormy Weather”
And lightning shot out of his ass
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Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their рriскs were no larger than wens.
As they looked at their foreskins
And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they’d both become hens.
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nudе,
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
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There was a young lady called Dawn
Who wished she had never been born.
She wouldn’t have been
If her father had seen
That the end of his rubber was torn.
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There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a funny hоrny feeling
So she laid on her back
And tickled her сrаск,
And squirted all over the ceiling!
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There was a young lady named Brewer
Who was riding a bike when it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air
And seized the occasion to sсrеw her.
A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.
“Daddy, there’s some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him”
The farmer said “Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I’ll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:
If it’s the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he’ll drink it all if you don’t.
If it’s the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma’s butter and egg money in it, he’ll talk her out of all of it.
And if it’s the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma’s lap until I get there.
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"