Old People Jokes

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

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I am so old...
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!

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One-Liner Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Old People Jokes

A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"

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Waiter Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while he was bathing.
"Mom", he asked, "is that my brain?"
"Not yet", she answered.

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Kids Jokes Old People Jokes

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They’re for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!"

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Kids Jokes Technology Jokes Old People Jokes

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.
As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?"
An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."

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Food Jokes Old People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes American Jokes

Yo mama's so dumb that when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends.

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Yo Momma Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest тiтs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

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Redhead Jokes School Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Boob Jokes

An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his сriме.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

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Old People Jokes Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes

My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad.
Ted asked if she was going to use worms.
"No," she said. "I'm going to use a fishing pole."

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Fishing Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What 80's rock band is banned from New Orleans and why?
A: The Scorpions. Every time they're in town, they rock you like a hurricane.

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Music and Musician Jokes Old People Jokes Weather jokes

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Good jokes

You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.

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Old People Jokes Birthday Jokes

My wife's face is green.
The room is now pink.
I think she yelled at me,
"That's your 21st drink!"

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Funny Poems Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night.
‘Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?’ asks the doctor.
The old lady replies, ‘Because I put them in my grandaughter’s coffee.’

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Old People Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Coffee Jokes

Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer.

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Yo Momma Jokes Car and driving jokes Old People Jokes

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.
But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn't a sign of it in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, "Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?"
"Darling, I really didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy."

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Birthday Jokes

What does tightrope walking and getting a вlоwjов from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.

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Dirty jokes Sports Jokes Old People Jokes

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.”
The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my раnтiеs.”

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Love Jokes