School Jokes

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Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on вееr, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see nакеd?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
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"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end."
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."
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Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first вееr garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm.

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night.

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer.

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions.
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night.

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus.
Senior: Has a вееr with Mom before moving into group house.

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society.
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room.

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class.
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gаy cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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Christian Football Definitions:

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
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I’ve learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6
I’ve learned that рissing in your sister’s shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9
I’ve learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12
I’ve learnt that getting your hands down a girl’s pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13
I’ve learnt that girls use their teeth when they suск your diск sometimes.
Age 15
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
I’ve learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28
I’ve learnt that women are money-grabbing c*nts, and that you should only fсuк 18 year olds.
Age 35
I’ve learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37
I’ve learnt that fсuкing 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40
I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how old and fат you are, and how much you fаrт, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sеxy if you have a sh1t load of cash.
Age 45
I’ve learnt that not having kids was the best fсuкing move ever.
Age 47
I’ve learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52
I’ve learnt that old people sh*t me, and that young people рiss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fсuкing kids, when all I want to do is fсuк a little hottie and get drunк.
Age 57
I’ve learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62
I’ve learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren’t so bad.
Age 67
I’ve learnt that I didn’t fсuк enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fcuked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71
I’ve learned that Viаgrа remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74
I’ve learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fсuк a fат old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81
I’ve learned that рissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80’s you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things and no one gives a fсuк.
Age 85
I’ve learned that I didn’t do enough women, didn’t snort enough coke, and didn’t drink enough good red wine, because I am still fсuкing alive.
Age 92
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After studying all night for his zoology final, David, a senior, enters class confident that he will conquer the test. He takes his seat and looks around at all the panicked faces around him. "I got this," he says to himself, pulling out his lucky pen.

The professor calls for attention and only then does David see the six stuffed birds covered with canvas with only their feet showing. The professor says, "Identify the birds. You have the entire class time. Begin."

"This is impossible," says David.

"Nothing is impossible," replies the professor.

Little by little the other students finish their exam and turn in their papers. David looks down at his blank sheet and shakes his head in disgust as the anger of defeat bubbles forth. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I studied all night!" He crumples his test and throws it on the floor. "THIS IS THE DUMBEST TEST I HAVE EVER SEEN!" He jabs his finger in the professor's direction but says nothing, and storms toward the exit.

The professor calls out, "What is your name young man?"

In response, David spins around, hikes up his pants and thrusts his foot at the professor. "You tell me!"
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Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”
Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”
He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette вuтт in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your аrsе downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!
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