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A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sеx with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.
As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shаgging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving оrаl gratification to his
father.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gаy, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
A young Irish man called Раddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .
Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality Gloves would strike the right note... not too Romantic and not too Personal.
Off he went with his Sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of Fur Lined quality, Leather Gloves.
Paddy's sister bought a Pair of Sеxy Knickers for herself at the same time.
Marks and Spencer’s had a "Free Gift Wrap Offer" on as it was Xmas. But the Shop Assistant mixed up the Two Items, the Sister got the Gloves and Раddy unknowingly, got the Knickers.
Good old Раddy, sent off his Gift Wrapped Present in a parcel with the following Letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any, when we go out in the Evenings. If it had not been for my Sister, I would have chosen the Long Ones with the Buttons, but she wears Shorter Ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the Lady I bought them from, showed me the Pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any Marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little Bit Tight on Her.
She also said that they Rub against her Ring, which helps keep it Clean. In fact she hasn't needed to Wash It, since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other Hands will Touch them, before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to вlоw into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little Damp from Wearing.??
Just imagine how many times my Lips will Kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will Wear them for me on our Next Date.??
All my love,
Patrick.
*
P.S. My Mum tells me that the latest Style. Is to wear them folded down, with a little Bit of Fur showing.
A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp.
When he brushed it off, a genie popped out, and said "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied "I want you to bring peace to this area."
"Ooooh...I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."
The man then said "Well...then how about having my wife give me оrаl-sеx voluntarily...?"
The genie thought for a minute, then said "Can I see that map again..?"