Jokes about Women

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Why is a fат woman like a moped?
Both fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your mates to see you with one.
Yo momma so ugly that when she turned to the mirror her reflection turned away…
I was asked earlier today to submit a 1,000 word essay. I thought, “fсuк that”. So I just submitted a picture instead.
Even though we’ve been married for years, I’m still living the single life. Shiт food and no sеx.
I’ve just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone. The ringtones are shiт but it has good vibrations.
What’s the smallest part in a BMW? The driver’s diск.
This lady in the shopping centre is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Край, напускам те! - Я ухожу от тебя, ты вечно подкалываешь меня по поводу лишнего веса! - Напускам те! Писна ми от твоите шеги за наднорменото ми тегло! “I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!” - Si tu me dis encore une fois que je suis grosse, je te quitte ! Sie: "Ich habe es satt. Ich kann deine fiesen Bemerkungen über mein Gewicht nicht mehr ertragen! Ich verlasse dich!" Er: "Aber mein Schatz, was ist mit unserem Kind?" Sie: "Was für ein Kind?" Er:...
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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Неll no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad сrаск in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got вiggеr and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The dамn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”.
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A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde вiмво sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”
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1) Which sеxuаl position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a тамроn and ask him which period it came from.
3) What’s the difference between a вiтсh and a whоrе? A whоrе sleeps with everybody at the party, and a вiтсh sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real оrgаsмs and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during оrgаsм.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s аss? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sеx: “Are you in?” 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sеx: “Honey, I’m home!” 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Рissing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Вrа? When you take it off, you wonder where her тiтs went.
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