Work Jokes, Office Jokes

There was a guy named John, who was the most positive guy in the whole world. Every time anyone said something negative, John would always say, “It could have been worse.”
One day, John’s coworkers all got together and decided to come up with a scenario so bad that John couldn’t say that it could have been worse.
When John arrived at work that day, one of his coworkers asked him, “John did you hear what happened to Sam last night?”
John replied, “No, what?” The coworker replied, “When Sam got home last night, he found his wife in bed with another man. Sam shot the man, his wife, and then turned the gun on himself!” John replied, “Well, it could have been worse.” In disgust the coworker replied, “Now how could that have been any worse?” John replied, “Because if it had been the night before, he would have shot me!”

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As I was waiting in the Doctor's office the day after Christmas I accidentally overheard a conversation between the desk employee and another patient on the phone.
Employee:
"Ma'am the Doctor's office will be closed for the next few days due to the snow storm headed into town. Would you please choose a date to reschedule? Would sometime next week be fine?
I could hear the patient on the phone getting upset and not wanting to change her appointment.
Trying to be as polite as he could, the employee began again:
"But ma'am when you show up this week for your appointment no one will be here because of the snow storm."
I then heard yelling from the woman on the line before she abruptly hung up. The employee shook his head in disbelief. Trying to make his day a little better I said,
"You would think after Christmas people would have a better attitude."
Employee:
"She's more Halloween than Christmas!"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Christmas Jokes Halloween Jokes

Facebook is reportedly thinking of ways to incorporate health into their array of services.
Here’s how it’ll work: If you get a cut or a bruise or something, take a picture of it and post it.
If it gets more than 100 likes, you’re cured.

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I heard this one from an old sailor
A girl walks into her trailer and says,
"Pa! I need to borrow the tractor to go up to the store and buy me some cigarettes."
Her Pa says,
"Alright, but you gonna have to work for it."
"What do I have to do," asked the girl. "You gonna have to вlоw me if you want that tractor."
"Alright Pa," says the girl.
The girl starts suскing her Pa's diск. A second later she say, "Ew Pa, your diск taste like shiт!"
Her Pa replies,
"Sorry, your brother borrowed the tractor this morning."

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Office and Work Jokes Redneck jokes Sailor Jokes

I used to work in a superstore. One day a sparrow flew in and perched itself by the ceiling. Management wondered how to catch it.
I suggested that we keep a computer terminal unoccupied.
"You can catch it when it stops by to tweet."

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Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

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The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I told the lady at the desk that I invented a folding bottle. She asked me what I called it.
“A Fottle,” I said.
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

A post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from 1 last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it 2 miles down a small country road . By the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore. He entered the garden, closed the gait and turned round to be greeted by to huge paws landing on his chest . There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him ( did his вuм go boo or what!). He was terrified , just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said” don’t worry sonny just kick his ваlls”. He said”what!”, she said kick his ваlls he likes that”. This post man had on regulation size 12 military steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs , he went WALLOP and booted dog square in the ваlls, the dog went ” how, how , how houuuuuuuu” and collapsed with its knees knocking together. The old lady said ” your in fcukin trouble now”. He said “why” she said I meant his ваlls on the grass beside you !”.

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A man calls into the police station and says,
"My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."

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What do you call a women who does as much work as a man?
A lazy b*tch.

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Pappu:My internet is not working properly.. O
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hеll, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officerouble click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:
“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiот…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.

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Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"

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I got fired at work today.
My boss said my communication skills were awful.
I didn’t know what to say to that.

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Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes Boss Jokes

My friend (Well a former friend now) “fixed me up” with a blind date last weekend. …. and the audience - in unison - says “How bad was it?” ….
….
Well for starters, she was so ugly I swear she had been dragged through a large knothole backwards …
…
…And I’m pretty sure she has to sneak up on mirrors
…
If I had to guess, she likely works in the ER of a local hospital and when some guy comes in with a Viаgrа еrестiоn that has lasted four or more hours, well, one look at her and his willie would deflate -- poooof -- in seconds.

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Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized сriме unit were overlooking a вlооdy mob hit scene.
The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the head.
One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says,
"You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

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How many white people does it take to clean a toilet?
None, that's a niggеr's job.

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A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:
“Your behind is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet it is вiggеr than the barbecue grill.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife’s bottom was.
“Yes, I was right; it is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!”
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in the bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers:
“Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-аss grill for one little wееniе?”

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Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

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A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower.
After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00.
The lawyer, enraged, says:
“I’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!”
“Neither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.

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